Dear Mr. Peever,

Thank you very much for your letters. The Discovery Channel welcomes all types of feedback from its dedicated fans and seriously considers all recommendations. However, at this time we are unfortunately not able to honour your numerous requests and will not be expanding our famous Shark Week.

While the prospects of "Shark Month" and "Shark Semester" are enticing, we still feel that well-rounded and informative programming is more conducive to our mission. Your subsequent request of a "Shark Fortnight" was an improvement, but we're still confident that one week out of the year devoted entirely to sharks is enough.

What is turkey bowling?  Why are we writing about it?  No?  FINE! I'll tell you.  Turkey bowling is a "sport" practiced by bored grocery store employees in their off hours.  Imagine bowling but instead of a ball you use a frozen turkey and instead of pins you use 2 liter soda bottles.  If your grocery store is particularly cool they might even set up blacklights and have a Galactic Turkey Bowling night.  Turkey Bowling is so popular that the leader of the free world - for a few more days, at least - took a shot at it back when he was on the campaign trail.  President Bush bowled an impressive 9. 

The folks over at "10 Items of Less" dared the CH staff to Turkey Bowl and try to beat GWB's score.  We were all amazing at it, obviously, but only one of us stood above the rest.  So I ask you this, who do you think won? 

The Athletes

• Jake
• Sarah
• Amir
• Streeter
• Dan
• Pat
• Jeff

We'll pick a random commenter who guesses correctly and send them a MyStErY PrIzE!!!1!

Every January First, each of the last 50 years, as well as the next 10 years, gather to celebrate and give a proper send off to the year that was. The time is 11:40, and the party is in full swing. 1959 is on the balcony, warding off cancer and other minor diseases by enjoying a smooth Pall Mall. Just as he does every year, 1969 is rocking an Iggy Pop and The Stooges T-shirt while hitting on every chick he sees by reminding them about the moon landing, but eventually striking out because he looks like Charles Manson. The '70s are all blowing massive quantities of blow, except for 1973, who's late because he ran out of gas. He'll show up later with the Chinese years. 1984 is sitting by himself in a corner, staring at everyone and creeping them out. 2012 keeps pissing everyone off by handing out fliers predicting the end of the world and his movie's opening weekend box office numbers. 1999 is still in a bunker, hoping to survive lame Y2K jokes. The DJ hasn't played anything but Dylan. No one seems to mind. The party is great until things suddenly get awkward when 2009, drunk off his ass, finally decides to confront 2008.

2009: Hey 2008, can I talk to you for a second?
2008: Sure, what's up.
2009: Dude, seriously, all I wanna say is, what the hell?
2008: What's wrong?
2009: What's wrong?! You're pretty much the biggest year ever, that's what's wrong! How can I possibly follow you?
2008: Oh come on, I wasn't that huge.
2009: Are you kidding?! You had everything! A huge economic crisis, a record shattering Olympics, the biggest election of our lifetime, The best Super Bowl ever, one of the biggest movies ever, you got Lil Wayne to release an actual album, and then, as if you didn't have enough going on, you get an Israeli-Palestinian conflict! Plus 2007's still upset about you upgrading his iPhone. Not cool. Not cool at all.
2008: So I was a big year, what can I say?
2009: Chinese Democracy for chrissake! Chinese Democracy! There was supposed to be legitimate democracy in China before Chinese Democracy, but you just had to have it.
2008: Relax 2009, you'll have tons of great stuff.
2009: Like what?
2008: The start of the Obama Administration, so you know there's going to be an international crisis, the Arrested Development movie, Watchmen will be huge! Don't worry, it'll be OK.
2009: Please, don't patronize me, Mitchel Hurwitz hasn't even started writing the Arrested Development movie, Watchmen's release date is in a legal battle now, and the only Obama news anyone will care about is the recession.
2008: Well I don't know what to tell you.
2009: Apologize for clock-blocking everyone.

I was able to beta test this new cutting edge technology. Not all the kinks are worked out, but these screenshots are pretty revealing...

I think it's safe to say that many college students, particularly those under 21 and without a fake ID, experience heavy amounts of boredom while at home or at a relative's house over Christmas Break. Aside from the first few days home where you sleep 18 hours of the day, the 10 exhilarating minutes of opening a dwindling amount of presents each year, and the few parties with your high school friends, you end up with several hours with absolutely nothing to do. I've developed three activities to carve away at some of the remaining hours between now and when you return to college, aside from the basic lame time wasters such as reading a book, watching the same stupid Christmas movies, or bonding with family you haven't seen in years.

	Kevin Corrigan: I'm tired of making resolutions I can't keep. I resolve that I'm absolutely not going to go to the moon unless space travel becomes really affordable or I win a contest.
	Amir Blumenfeld: Lose Weight, Managing Debt, Save Money, Get a Better Job, Get Fit, Eat Right, Get a Better Education, Drink Less Alcohol, Quit Smoking, Now Reduce Stress Overall, Reduce Stress at Work, Take a Trip, Volunteer to Help Others, Holiday and New Year Health-e-Cards. Jake: You clearly plagiarized that from a resolutions website.
	Jeff Rubin: I resolve to meat new people, I've been getting bored of throwing steaks at the same friends.
	Conor McKeon: To finally get over the rough patch in my current relationship, and accept the fact that my girlfriend doesn't want to shave down there.
	Jeff Rosenberg: TO STOP MAKING MY GRANDMOTHER TRANSCRIBE ALL OF MY JOKES PERIOD
	Dan Gurewitch: I resolve to stop playing God with insects. I'm still going to torture and kill them in cruel and creative ways, but it will no longer be part of a larger plan.
	Andrew B: I resolve to drink champagne and watch Ryan Seacrest count down from 10 more than once a year. In other words, become the classiest Ryan Seacrest stalker ever.
	Jake Hurwitz: I resolve to be a better actor, stop talking with a gay lisp, not be a sell out, and everything else the commenters ask of me. Thanks so much guys! I take all of your criticism to heart!!!
	Sarah Schneider: This year, I resolve to experiment more with my boyfriend. For instance, what happens when you combine radon, boron and tellurium inside a butthole?
	Jason Michaels: My New Year's resolution is to stand up for myself. Unless you think that's stupid, then I can think of another one.
	Streeter Seidell: I resolve to rely less on technology. Sent from my iPhone
	Ricky Van Veen: Harder core pornography.
	Steve E: I would like to spend more time with family and friends who have passed away. I f***ing love cemeteries.
	Susanna Wolff: 1024 x 768 pixels. Also, buy a new TV.