Gracious Tips for Further Success: Carlos Mencia and Joe Rogan

Dear Misters Rogan and Mencia,

It has become apparent in these past weeks that the two of you are not getting along very well. Why, I wonder to myself, are two of America’s foremost practitioners of biting social commentary and searing political satire fighting amongst themselves like two rabid ferrets? Don’t you realize that without you, we would be nothing? America would never smile again if your respective styles were pushed aside to make more room for your awful, intellectually-superior debates.

For your consideration, I have written two lists of suggestions for the both of you. With any luck, you will be back in action, and away from each other’s throats, in a matter of minutes. I have been a fan for years, of the two of you, and I would hate to see such brilliance wasted on a childish feud.

Thank You,

A Concerned Fan

1)Stop speaking.

2)Mexicans don’t sound like an eight-year-old’s impression of a drunk Frenchman.

3)No person on Earth is retarded enough to say “Dee-De-Dee”. Even retarded people attempt to say real words.

4)Except for you.

5)Bill Cosby is not funny.

6)Don’t steal from unfunny comedians.

7)Having a catchphrase does not make you popular, inventive, or funny. People still say “Git-R-Done”.

8)Every moment you perform makes Lenny Bruce’s corpse do a ninety-degree rotation.

9)God hates you.

10)So does everyone else.

1)You’re a comedian?

2)Really? Since when?

3)Seriously, though. A real comedian?

4)Making fun of Mr. Mencia does not make you “edgy”. Everyone makes fun of him.

5)Just because the UFC jocks laugh at it doesn’t make it a funny joke. Those guys laugh at bright colors and loud noises.

6)…And also at Mind of Mencia.

7)“Shiny Happy Jihad” is a stupid name for a comedy CD.

8)Oh, it isn’t a comedy CD? Okay, then I guess it’s alright.

9)Henry Rollins is better at what you do than you are, and he doesn’t call himself a comedian.

10)Therefore: you’re not one.