Dear guy I will probably see in the bar tonight

Disclaimer: This letter in no way represents any current or future attempt to hook up with you. I am addressing you here to help us both avoid an inevitably uncomfortable interaction later that will result in you thinking you are getting laid tonight and me thinking that there aren’t enough handy wipes in the world to scrub the stink of your Abercrombie & Fitch cologne out of your skin.

Dear guy,

My name is Allison and I am 24 years old. I am not looking to have sex with you. I came out to the bar tonight to drink away my problems, not create more with you. Believe it or not I wear nice clothes and makeup because I like to look nice and not because I’m “totally on the prowl.” I am just trying to order my drink and meet my friends but because you probably won’t be able to take a hint how about I just rattle through my end of the conversation we are about to have:

Of course I’ll let you buy me a drink, it’s free alcohol. No, I don’t want to see your tribal tattoo that you got with yourbros on spring break. No, I don’t have any tattoes. Yes, my hair is naturally blonde and I am not going to dignify your carpet/drapes question with an answer. Do not call me babe. If you lick your lips at me one more time I will break this beer bottle and schiv you. No I don’t want to post party at your buddy Dylan’s place. No, I don’t have tickets to the gun show but if I did I would find the biggest gun there, hold it to my eye and shoot until the chamber clicks.

I majored in political science and international studies. Oh, you are a business major? I never would have guessed. No, I didn’t see your comment in the campus newspaper about the squirrel epidemic. Please don’t touch me, I already showered tonight. Thank you, no one has ever called me cute before. Yes, I will bum you a cigarette if you promise to go away. You are still here. As far as you are concerned, yesI have a boyfriend. No, really, I don’t need another drink….Ugh, thanks. I saidwater not Jaeger Bomb. Yes, I do want to get out of here but not with you. No, I don’t have a cell number. No, I don’t want your number. No I don’t want to go back to your place and watch you play Guitar Hero. Yes, I am leaving. No I don’t want a ride in your new Scion. Yes, I am a frigid bitch. Have a fantastic evening.