How to Use Thoes Books You Can't Sell

Many of you out there are looking forward to the end of the year. Not just because of the summer that lies ahead of you, or because you cannot stand your roommate any more, but because with the end of the year comes an instant cash flow from book buyback. I say many and not all of you are looking forward to this because for some of us, we have never received anything more than 20 bucks for 14 books. What i am trying to say is that, for some of you, book buyback means nothing more than bending over and taking it up the ass from the bookstore, because all of your books are paperback novels, or out of print “readers” with useless articles about worthless subjects. Book buyback, for some of you, means sitting at home enjoying the M&M’s and Dr. Pepper you bought with your money, while your friends in the business school and science classes tear it up at the bars with their new found fortune. Well I am here to change all of that.

I am a graduating senior, and I will soon be passing on to the real world, which comes fully equipped with a stick to shove up your ass. But before I enter my life of endless misery, far from the havoc that college means, i wanted to pass on my wisdom I have gathered with fun things to do with your books cause the bookstore would not buy them back. These fun filled activities are for those who cannot go to the bars with their friends, but M&M’s and Dr. Pepper just won’t do it for them.

1. Fold 1000 cranes

Do you remember that story from third grade of the girl that got cancer and believed that if she folded 1000 cranes she would be granted 1 wish? Well if you don’t I just reminded you. The point is, the little girl died of cancer, and that always gave me a chuckle. Oh, you don’t really have to fold 1000 cranes, i just like telling the story of the little girl who died of cancer. The cancer, by the way, was from the Atom bomb that the United States dropped on Japan, we sure taught them. Moving on.

2. Build a bonfire

This you seems almost automatic, but it isn’t the bonfire that counts, it is the location of the bonfire that really matters. This one is usually best if saved for after graduation, because universities do not look to kindly on arson. I recommend gathering a book of matches, a long wick, some gasoline (kerosene is a fine substitute, so is lighter fluid), and all of those books. Pick a location that is highly visible, and will attract the most attention. Pile the books in a neat stack in the location. Soak them with your chosen fiery liquid. Place the wick in the pile of books and roll it to your hiding place. Light the wick and start singing the Mission: Impossible song to yourself and watch the pile burn.

3. Confetti Everywhere

Perhaps that last one was a little too much. Maybe your rebellious spirit would rather not be brought up on arson charges. That is ok, i have another idea that will be less fun, but less chance of getting arrested. First thing you need is a shredder. The bad guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be ideal, but if you only have a paper shredder you will be just fine. Shred all of your text books. Again, if you have the villain from TMNT this will be fun. I mean who would not love to watch Shredder rip and shred his way through The Communist Manifesto? Once all of the books are shredded, put all of the paper into garbage bags. Go to the “quad”, or wherever large groups of people congregate, and plug in a few large fans. Turn the fans on, and empty the bags in front of the fans. The paper will fly everywhere, and the grounds crew will have to clean it all up. For best results do this when the most people are in between classes. If anyone gives you any problems, send them to Shredder.

4. Creepy Notes

This last one will require lots of patience, and a certain creepiness that only stalkers and pedophiles hold. This activity will involve lots of paper, scissors, glue (sticks work the best), and a sick and twisted imagination. Start by picking a University Staff person, the higher up the better. Pick an aspect about their life that you know you can twist the most. For example, if it is a priest like at so many Catholic schools, talk about his obsession with little boys. Finally, cut the letters out of your books and glue them to paper to write out creepy notes to people. If you send enough to the right people, you might even get a spot of the 5 o’clock news. A few words of caution, first off, do not use your real name or address on the envelope. Second, do not threaten anyone, simply creep them out. Do not say “I am going to find you and hurt you.” Instead say “Have you checked on your mother’s health lately?” Trust me, the latter will freak people out more. Finally, after you have sent your notes, refer to one of the above options for help on getting rid of all of the books with letters missing. If people find those you are pretty much fucked.

I hope that this little guide will be of some use to you all out there. Remember to have fun with all of this, you are trying to show your friends that you don’t need to get $50 back for an Organic Chemistry book to have fun.