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K W Schroeder

The Oral Q & A: Everything You Ever Wanted to Ask a Straight Guy About Oral Sex, But Were Too Afraid/Uninterested to Ask

by K W Schroeder on

Q: Why does my boyfriend always want me to give him a b. j.?
A: Because he loves you more than anything and can’t find ways to express himself with words, so he lets you slob on it for a while.
Q: My boyfriend hates to go down on me, but I really love it. How should I bring it up without seeming needy?
A: Go down on him.
Q: How do I give the perfect b. j.?
A: Every guy’s preferences are different, but there is one universal rule: give a beej with no teeth, no talking, and with your hot friend watching.
Q: Why do guys always want me to swallow?
A: So they’ll respect you more for your cleanliness.
Q: I got my tongue pierced so I could give better head. Why does my boyfriend not like it?
A: I don’t know. It could be that you’re doing it wrong. It could also be that your boyfriend is an MRI machine.
Q: My boyfriend has a small penis, and I have big hands. How can I go down on him without making him feel inadequate?
A: He he… Sorry. (snicker)
Q: I really want to try deep-throating, but I have a sensitive gag reflex. How can I do this without gagging so much?
A: You could try eating some Orajel, as long as you rinse your mouth out before proceeding with the festivities. Failing that, you can always find the last girl’s boyfriend. (snicker)
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K W Schroeder

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A Christmas Larceny

I used to work for a chinese computer company that no longer exists; one Christmas Eve a man comes into the store right as we are closing and counting money and insists that we start up the Point of Sale system again and sell him the video card he reserved online. We tell him that the computers have been shut down and all the transactions of the day batched and sent to the... Read More » credit card vendor. He keeps telling us that it's already paid for etc. and we keep telling him we can't process any more transactions until the morning of Dec. 26th. He then takes out a revolver and makes us lay on the floor while he steals the cash drawers and takes off. Turns out he had in fact reserved the video card online and his full name, address and phone number were in the system along with his email address; i bet his New Year sucked.