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K W Schroeder

Practical Uses for Small Dogs

by K W Schroeder on

Small breeds of dogs, while cute, serve absolutely no practically applicable purpose. They stand only as tiny, howling burdens which are too fragile to bat around with a tennis racket when they leave you “presents” under your computer chair, in your closet, and occasionally in your flip-flops.
I now present to you several very sensible ways to put little Binky to good use. You can thank me later, or you can swear at me because your girlfriend dumped you for being mean to her dog. Either way.
  • Door-stop. It may be too small to sic on your neighbor’s kids, but damned if it isn’t just the right weight to keep the kitchen door open while you’re hauling in the kegs for tomorrow’s festivities.



  • Head rest. Pillows will usually suffice to support your aching neck and head, but what if you require something more from your pillow? What if your poor cricked neck needs soothing heat as well? Well, isn’t little Zeus just about the perfect size and contour to stuff behind your head as you watch Sports Center? Yeah, I thought so.



  • Sled dogs. Okay, maybe not a full-sized sled that candrag you and your perilously ill Indian companion across the frozen tundra, but definitely a sled with something on it. Maybe beer, or other small dogs. With enough small dogs strapped to a little red wagon, why, you could pull almost anything! Except for Squancho, who will probably die in those very last moments right as you reach the outpost, but not before imparting some invaluable nugget of native wisdom. God bless you, Squancho.

  • A more convenient remote control. I know it sounds impossible, and it is. You can’t change stations with a dog, no matter how hard you mash the buttons you glued to it. However, you can buy those little tacky Velcro strips to paste onto the remote and the dog, thereby inventing a remote that you can call to you when you’re too drunk/lazy/masturbating to get up and fetch it yourself. But remember, small dogs are pretty weak, so maybe you shouldn’t strap a sled and a gigantic universal remote to it at the same time. Just a heads up.
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K W Schroeder

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