105%

105% Issue #17

by 105%-O-Matic on May 8, 2007

As many users brought to our attention, last issue shipped with only 103%. We regret the error, and will pack in 107% into this week’s issue to make up for it.

Desperate Corporate Slogans

Nike: Just Do It Already.
McDonalds: I’m Really Really Lovin’ It. Seriously.
Lays: Betcha Can’t Eat Just One! Okay, Double Or Nothing!
Quiznos: Mmmm… Toasty. Ugh! So fucking good.
Nike: Did you do it yet?

-Amir B.

I think baseball would be more interesting if the mascots actually fought each other. I want to see a Pirate fight a Tiger. Or a Marlin take on a Devil Ray. Or the Yankees versus the Indians. Okay, I guess we know who would win that last one…

-Brillo Peterson

You Just Answered Your Own Question

Y d0nt i h4v3 NE fr13nd5?

-Streeter Seidell

How to Make $500 Million

Will Ferell is “Spider-Man”

-Jesse Sachs

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like no one is watching.
Poop like no one is sitting in the stall next to you.

-Tory Terzian

World’s Biggest Pessimist

You ever notice how rainbows are shaped like frowns?

-Dan Gurewitch

Billy Joel, MD

“Your husband suffered a severe heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!… He didn’t make it.”

-Patrick Cassels

Ben Franklin’s Less Famous Aphorisms:

“A minute of 60 seconds is.”
“In the nose and out the mouth is one way to breathe.”
“A unitard is a retard with only one horn.”
“I invented some sort of stove.”

-Kiernan Schmitt

Overly Polite Person Requesting an Encore at a Rock Show

Wooo!! Yeah!!! Come back!! Please? You know, only if you feel like it! I mean, you guys were great, but I noticed you didn’t play your most popular song, and I’d love to hear it!! Only if you want to, though!! It’s completely your call!! I’ll respect whatever decision you make!! WOO!!

-Chris Richman

The best contact solution is glasses.

-Jeff Rubin

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