It’s that time of year again, where many students are harshly thrown from the comfort of their off-campus housing, back to the towns and cities from whence they came. Young men and women across the nation become nervous as they head towards the inevitable next step: The Real World.
But fear not, former undergrads. The Real World is not as scary as your parents would have you believe. While you may find yourself with a new “job”, chances are, you won’t actually be doing any “work”. As a matter of fact, I’m willing to bet that most of you had a harder time making Blizzards at your part-time job in high school then you will have with your new career.
Let me give you an example of what you can expect in a typical work day:
9:17 AM – Arrive at work late. Think about the fact that no one notices or cares that you’re never on time. Look over the walls of your cube and ask if anyone wants to go get coffee or a bagel. Another co-worker who is also hungover will accompany you.
9:35 AM – Return to your desk with coffee and bagel. See if anyone left you a voicemail. Start scrolling through your bookmarked web sites: CNN, ESPN, Gmail, Facebook, CollegeHumor. Debate whether or not you should finally make a MySpace page.
10:34 AM – Check work e-mail. Call Bill in finance to “touch base about the new project”. Get mad at yourself for saying “touch base”. Think you’re turning into your parents. Weep softly about how much getting old sucks.
10:37 AM – Try to write an article for College Humor. Spend a few minutes thinking of a topic. Narrow ideas down to a final two: “An Interview with My Balls” or “The Drunkest I’ve Ever Been”. Kinda lean towards the drunk article, since more people can relate to it. Ask co-worker which is funnier; co-worker goes with balls. Silently resent co-worker. Begin writing “Interview with My Balls”.
11:06 AM – Start over for the sixth time. Realize interviewing balls was a better idea in theory. Think it would be funnier to make a BustedTee with a dachshund and some almonds that says “Check out my weiner and nuts!” Look for e-mail address to send idea to BustedTees.
11:15 AM – Send out mass e-mail to see where everyone wants to go to lunch. Say you need something greasy because you’re still hurting from yesterday. Agree that McDonald’s at 1 PM works for you, especially because it’s cheap and you spent a lot of money last night.
11:30 AM – Wonder what the hell you’re going to until 1 PM. Check all bookmarks again. Find no new links, and become furious. Think about winning the lottery, and what you’d buy. Check travel websites for “cheap vacations”. Remember Spring Break from two years ago and how awesome it was. Wonder what that guy/girl you hooked up with is doing. Google their name. Consider contacting them, though you haven’t spoken to him or her since.
12:50 PM – Gather up other co-workers, go to McDonald’s. Wonder where the two cheeseburger meal went. Briefly discuss with McDonald’s employee. Settle for a double cheeseburger, medium fries, and medium diet coke. Sit with co-workers and see how they feel about the disappearance of the two cheeseburger meal. Agree it’s fucked up. Laugh about how all “Super Size Me” did was make you hungry.
3:12 PM – Bitch about how you can’t believe it’s not even four o’clock. Get excited when realizing you haven’t signed on to your instant message program yet. Check some away messages. Click link in friend-who-is-still-in-college’s profile for pictures from last night. Smile in disbelief about how CRAZY Dave still is. Immediately become bitter that you’re at work and not just waking up. Walk it off by doing a lap around the office.
3:45 PM – Nod off for fifteen minutes.
4:00 PM – Be filled with the joy of only having one more hour left. Decide that you have successfully put off making a MySpace profile for another day. Search YouTube for theme songs of cartoons you liked when you were a kid. Laugh and ask co-workers if they ever watched Saved by the Bell – The New Class. Don’t admit that you did.
4:45 PM – Acknowledge the fact that you’ve had “enough of this shit.” E-mail co-workers to let them know you’re heading out early, but will be at the bar on the corner if anyone wants to “do a little happy hour ;o)”.
5:45 PM – Realize no one is coming. Drink alone. Talk to sketchy old person at bar for companionship.
1:54 AM – Leave bar. Go home. Text your ex. Wait ten minutes. Pass out.