Open letters to members of the IUP community:

These are open letters to people on campus. they know who they are.

Dear Fat girl who sits in front of me in class:

Hi, my name is Craig. You might not know me except for when you waddle into class 3 minutes late. I think your arms look really cute in that shirt that doesn’t fit. I’m glad i don’t sit in front of you, because the jeans you borrowed off your roommate, because they’re obviously not your size, look like the front button is about to blow off at any time. Please aim your pelvis away from the teacher, I kind of like him and don’t want to see him admitted to the ER with a gunshot wound.
Also, there’s a reason they only make thongs up to a size 10, and not higher. They’re not for people like you. It would be questionable if someone’s waist that was the size of ONE of your thighs would wear them. Honestly, when you wear it and your ugly shirt doesn’t cover up your body, it is not pleasent. Any fashion concerns just let me know, I’ll be happy to recommend a nice store to get brown paper bags.


Vomitly,
Craig




Dear Dining Hall Rationer:

Hi, my name is Craig. I used to work in the caf. All of the ladies who worked with me remembered my name. i worked for Chef Dave and he didn’t know who i was.
Anyways, when you serve breakfast sandwiches for DINNER, please don’t only allow patrons to only take one sausage OR one bacon. Sometimes, an english muffin with egg and cheese needs the substance yet chewy sausage complimented by the crunchy yet unsatisfying bacon piece. If this is not fixed, I WILL come back 4 times in 30 seconds to get all the fixings I want. One piece at a time.

Hungrily-and-inpatiently,
Craig




Dear Foster “Chef’s Table” workers:

A casual meal rate is like 6.50. For an extra 7 dollars you can get to eat from the “chef’s table,” which today was lobster tail stuffed with crab meat. I merely walked by and GLANCED and your ass was asking me to buy it. Miss, I just paid 6.50 to eat breakfast sandwiches with one piece of meat. I am not paying for seafood — i don’t even like seafood! i only like saltwater taffy. I will not pay $15.00 almost for 5 minutes of pleasure unless it involves alcohol or something naked.

Leave-me-alone-I-have-to-go-back-to-the-b

reakfast-sandwich-station-ly, Craig Dear mr. 60 year old dude on a bicycle: Hi, this is craig. You might not know me but it was my Ford taurus you pulled up beside. first, i’d like to say thanks for not trying to drive off faster than me. Because no matter how fast you go, i have no qualms proving to your old ass what my 3.8 fuel injected v6 turbo can do. Also, i really liked your discovery channel shirt. You look just like lance armstrong! except 3 times as old, 4 times as fat, and 5 times as wrinkly. Also, those spandex shorts you wore and felt the need to shove your ass next to my car window was a nice touch. don’t worry about next time, 2 cans of lysol died on that side of my car so it will be clean of your old-man-ball germs. At-least-it-wasn’t-a-thong-ily, Craig Dear IPOD owners of 4, 6, 10, or 20 GB, or shuffles: I now own a 40 gig ipod. Nice try, but i’m better than you. also, if you buy a ZEN or other fake ipod, don’t try to be cool and put it in an ipod case. And whatever you do, don’t buy white headphones so it looks like an ipod, that half bass isn’t fooling anyone. Go back to your popped collars and ripped jeans if you want to try and look cool. But stay off the IPOD. Jammingly, Craig