Tips for Acing Your English Final

I know so many people who struggle through their English 110 and 111 classes, only to reach the final exam, and fail. These people have not been taught the skills required to masterfully pass an in class essay.
One day, before my friend’s final, she asked me to give her a little pep talk. She wanted some of my hints. Like a good friend, I complied this list for her.

1. Big words, remember the big words!
2. Semi-colons; they just look professional.
3. Repeat key phrases that the teacher used during class. If he rambled on about the Dialectic of Domination, just throw it in there. Make vague references to the theory. If he praised Cuba for it’s innovative economy and political system, write an entire page about Cuba’s exemplary use of communism.
4. Allusions to things (other literary works are a plus, but 80’s rock works fine) that don’t really make sense. It is important to confuse the teacher by making him feel out of the loop. Maybe you’ll even connect with his favorite song from high school. You can always use those sentimental points.
5. Use personal, emotional stories that are completely false. The more agonizing your pain or triumphant your victory, however exaggerated, the better. Like I said, go for the sentimental points.
6. If all else fails, draw a picture at the bottom.