"Things That Will Happen In The Next Half-Century, If The World Is Just" by Adam Hrabik

Blanket Jackson will become a California District Attorney famed for his harsh stance and relentless pursuit of sexual predators and child molesters.
After giving birth to her 37th child, Paris Hilton will be killed by a drunk driver with a suspended license. The Hilton heir will pass to her sister Nikki, who is slightly less of a despicable cunt, and Paris' children will die poor and attention-starved.
O.J. Simpson will contract elephantiasis and his hands will grow too large for any glove to fit them. Then, someone will stab him to death.
Ronald McDonald House will be forced to shut its doorswhen it is discovered that the rooms are too small for the increasingly obese children of America.
Due to a defect in a large shipment of razor blades, the wrist wounds on thousands of emo kids will become infected, leading to an epidemic of quadriplegia.
The funeral of Reverend Fred Phelps will be protested by the Westboro Baptist Church, after it is revealed that Reverend Phelps was a closet homosexual.
Director Sam Raimi, famed for such low-budget hits as Evil Dead, will make the most expensive movie in history, only for it to be hated by critics and fans—wait…shit…
Encouraged by Steve Jobs, Bill Gates will travel to the Bellagio in Las Vegas and place his entire net worth on 18 Black. He will lose.
A group of Jehovah's Witnesses, while skimming through the Bible, will find the passage, "…andI don't want you totry anyof that door-to-door shit…"
The guy who sits in his parents' basement and thinks up those MySpace bulletins will be killed in his sleep by a child with a knife.
After the death of Pope Benedict XVI, the succeeding pope will choose thetitle Pope Superfluous.
Bob Saget will join his sonto compete ina father-son talent show. It will involve beastiality and a socket wrench.
Walt Disney will be reincarnated as a day care manager, forced to put up with dozens of screaming, crying little kids, simply to earn a day's wage.
After years of survival training and exploration in the wild, Bear Grylls will starve to death after getting lost in a Wal-Mart.

Article