Your Bartender's Inner Monologue

God I look great tonight! Okay, so the shirt is a little too small, but hey I did almost 20 push ups yesterday! Oh crap, there’s that frigging guy again, I wonder what he’ll get… Oh lemme guess, he’ll order five 7&7’s and turn into a belligerent assh*le by number 4. He may as well leave now, cuz I’m kicking his skinny gay ass out after number 3.

What? What? Oh look at this fag, showing off in front of his girlfriend, calling me “Chief” cuz he thinks it makes him cool. Well guess what, fag, I’m not Indian! Yeah, here’s your stupid Corona Light, you stupid sh*t. Oh, I forgot the lime? Well, guess what, you’re not getting a lime! Why? Cuz we’re out of limes! I forgot to cut them at the beginning of my shift cuz I was too busy looking at how good I look this shirt but I’m not about to tell YOU that! Still think you’re better than me? Guess where this shirt is from. Just guess. Give up? Express Men’s! That place isn’t cheap, but I can afford it… sometimes. They have good sales.

Hmm, his girl looks really young… I should have carded her… God she looks familiar. F*ck… I think she was in my sister’s class! Jesus! That means she’s 18. Sh*t. Why didn’t I card her! I’m such an idiot!

Well, at least I – What? What? I AM playing attention, horse lady! What do you need? Another margarita. Great. More work. Do you know how hard margaritas are to make?! I have to shake them up and stuff! I don’t have time for your gay ass dri- Oh, WITH salt, well, I beg your parden, Mr. Ed, I guess I SHOULD have asked first. Here! Here’s your goddamned salt lick!

Jesus, I think this girls name was Sarah… or Hannah or Anna or something like that… I think she was over at my house once. I wonder if she recognizes me, maybe I should ask her if she knows Rachie. No, you can’t do that, you stupid idiot! Then her douchebag boyfriend is going to think that I’m hitting on her. Jeez, he just gave me the look of death. He thinks I’m staring at her! This child molester is on to me! I gotta get out of here. Alright… think… okay, cigarette break. Hopefully no one will need a drink for the next 20 minutes. I’m out.