Ethan: Slow sports week until yesterday, but thank God we now have something to talk about. How ridiculous are these NBA suspensions?
Ethan: I hate NBA conspiracy theories; I think that most of what we see as "conspiracy" is actually just run-of-the-mill incompetence. But Horry took a bush-league cheap shot on Nash, and the Suns' guys didn't even get into the scrum!
Amir: They were merely checking into the game. Amare always checks into the game by running towards Robert Horry clenching his fists.
Ethan: Duncan's going to go 35-15 easy now with no one to guard him. My favorite part of the whole thing was Popovich implying that Nash flopped. This is the same man who coaches Manu Ginobili, who is at the very least, twice as good at acting as Jason Biggs.
Amir: Nash did flop. He hurled himself into the scorers table then flailed his arms back. Look at those guns, he can't be thrown by Robert Horry. What are the Suns chances now without Amare and that french guy named Boris?
Ethan: I'd say almost nil. That's two of the three guys they were using on Duncan, and Amare's their best scoring weapon. Unless Kurt Thomas turns into Charles Barkley circa-1993, I don't like their chances. The more interesting question: if Bruce Bowen brought a gun to this game and shot Nash in the face, who would get called for the foul? I'm thinking that would be a jump-ball situation.
Amir: Brain is part of the ball. Don't count the Suns out. They're still at home and they still have Steve Nash. Last year everybody thought they were done for when Raja Bell got suspended for an elimination game in LA and they came back to win the series. Amare was out then too. Though I know you're a betting man and the Spurs are giving up two points. Put your savings account on black.
Ethan: The whole thing is so stupid. The NBA's nowhere near as popular as it used to be, and instead of letting the best players play out the biggest game of the year, they rigidly enforce a stupid rule. Is Bud Selig giving David Stern advice? If so, Mr. Stern, don't listen to him about how to get your hair cut, either.
Amir: "You just put the clippers up to your head and do it yourself. Saves ten bucks each time you do it!"
Ethan: What are you liking in the rest of the playoffs?
Amir: The Spurs are probably the favorite but how exciting will Bulls/Pistons game seven be? Big Ben winning four in a row and game seven in Detroit will be the greatest thing in the NBA since that team from Oakland did well against the Mavs. I already forget their name. They're yesterdays news.
Ethan: I have to think the Pistons won't let it get that far, although they looked pretty crappy last night. It's like no one even wants to win the East and be embarrassed in the Finals. "No, really you guys can go. It's fun we'd rather you guys get to enjoy it. We'll just head back to lovely Detroit, thanks."
Amir: Chauncy Billups has better things to do with his time then spend June in San Antonio.
Ethan: Oh, shit. That was about hockey. Readers, please disregard.
Amir: What's new in Baseball Land?
Ethan: This one's not exactly new, but I've been watching them since they're in Philly this week. Are the Brewers for real? I say yes. If Sheets stays healthy, they have the best rotation in the NL. Plus, they promote irresponsible drinking AND the inhumane racing of sausages. It's like one of Michael Vick's dreams came to life.
Amir: The thing you have to love about them is that they've got Cecil Fielder AND Tony Gwynn's sons on the roster. That's a lot of good fat-ballplayer genes on one team. Can we see if Mo Vaughn or Rich Garces have some son we don't know about who can play catcher? Can the team trade for Bartolo Colon, or could they not afford the freight shipping to get him to Milwaukee?
Ethan: Actually, they're worried about Bartolo's daily compensation of a whole ham counting against the luxury tax.
Amir: I think America wants to know, will you be there to watch Barry hit 755?
Ethan: Nope, Hank Aaron, Bud Selig, and I are going to Dave and Buster's that weekend. Good luck in the batting cages, old man. If I'm better, the crappy nachos are on you!
Amir: Dang. I need one friend to come with me so we can run the bases with Barry.
Ethan: There are two baseball things I'm still looking for: an actual Colorado Rockies fan and someone who doesn't think Bonds cheated. Seriously, it's a harder sell than purple-silver-and-black team colors.
Amir: Are you ready for the Lightning Round?
Ethan: No. Wait. Yes.
Amir: French Open!? GO!
Ethan: Nadal easily, but I hope he and Federer get to play another final as good as last year's.
Ethan: Dale Earnhardt, Jr. leaves DEI!? GO!
Amir: Why did you give me the NASCAR one, I don't even know what that means! UEFA CUP FINAL ON WEDNESDAY WHO YA GOT!?
Ethan: Me! For knowing that meant soccer. Who would last longer in one of Michael Vick's dogfights: Scrappy Doo or Snoopy? GO!
Amir: SCRAPPY DOO, HE'S A FIGHTER! HAVE YOU SEEN MY KEYS!? GO!
Ethan: THEY'RE ON YOUR DRESSER! WHY ARE WE YELLING!? NCAA Lacrosse Championships presented on ESPNU By Enterprise Rent-A-Car Delaware vs. Virginia. WHO YA GOT? GO!
Amir: The Golden State Warriors (America's OLD team) got out rebounded by 98 in their five game series against Utah. By far the largest margin in NBA playoff history. If only they believed in hitting the boards.
Ethan: Nellie's an innovator. He doesn't need old-timey bullshit like "rebounds" and "keeping possession of the ball." His teams can score even on defense! There are safeties in basketball, right?
Amir: Not sure.
Ethan: Okay, until next week, get excited for the NBA lottery. Greg Oden has to be excited about going to a storied franchise with as much history as the Grizzlies.