A Letter From Your Favorite Porn Site Before You Got A Girlfriend

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Haha, just kidding. We both know you’d never get close to the stallions we’ve got in our stables. How you doing, kid? Haven’t seen you around in some time. Been a while since “PussyDestroyer6969” graced our front page. How’re things? Still using that “fake_email123456@yahoo.com” address? Haha, just kidding, we know you just made that up.

Yeah, bet you thought you’d slip that by our servers, huh? Man, if I had a nickel for every yahoo/hotmail email address that was some amalgam of “fake”, “pussy”, “email”, and “fart”, I’d have exactly $3,455.45. You’d think someone would make an effort and just re-invite themselves to Gmail, and we’d get some classier email addresses. But no.

So yeah, we know about your fake email address. But hey, it’s cool, it’s cool. We’re not judging, it’s just a fake email porn address. No, it’s your real email address that interests us. “sherma43@rutgers.edu” Or should we say Benjamin William Sherman, Jr? From Hackensack, NJ? Yeah, we know all about that. You’d be surprised at how much we know about our customers. For instance, of course, we know that you love “Big Tits” and “Anal” and “Asian Tentacle Rape”. We got that from Google. We also know you’re into “Pre-1970 Liberia”, “Socialism”, and “Liberian Economy”. How’d that paper go, by the way? “Socialism’s Effect on Pre-1970 Liberian Economy”? What did your professor think? What’s his name? Professor Alan Jackson?

You’re probably getting a little uneasy right now. But you’ve got nothing to worry about, we’re harmless. To our customers. To our active customers. To our active, paying customers.

You see, we know a lot about you. More than you think. You’re probably trying to laugh this off now, thinking this is a joke. But I can prove it. Here it comes. Watch this. Andrea. Oh, no big deal, Andrea’s a common college girl’s name. Andrea Thompson. Of Metuchen, NJ. Rutgers Class of ’09. That you’ve been dating since February.

Seems your patronage of our little business has sharply declined since February. See, we’re thinking there’s something of a correlation to be drawn here. You’ve been getting lots of free sex from your little lady love there. You just don’t feel like going through the trouble of logging on and seeing two other people go at it when you can get it yourself. “Why would I want to watch two strangers fuck when I can get my D wet for free?” Haha, we’ve heard that before.

I’ll tell you why you would want to watch two strangers fuck instead of getting your D wet for free. Because if you don’t, Andrea will be getting a lovely new pearl necklace to complement that pretty new bracelet you got her. And you’ll be getting a batch of new videos featuring one of our most recent amateur models, Andi. With an “i” at the end. I think you’ll find her familiar.

So here’s where we get to the point, Ben. We want to see your cyber-face around here a little more often. If you don’t think we’re serious, ask Holli, Brandi, Staci, and Brittni’s boyfriends. They’ll be sure to fill you in.