The Morning Afer - American Idol - Eliminations During Which We Find Out Who Will Be in the FINALE, BITCHES!!!

So it’s 9:06 EST, during the first commercial break of this, what is perhaps the most important Idol elimination since the invention of TV, eliminations, and American Idol. Normally I wouldn’t watch the show until much later, when I can conveniently 4x FF through the commercials, but I’m staying with my friend until I move to New York, because I sublet my apartment to some fancy (sorority, I assume) girls, so I don’t have DVR now. To help me deal with commercials, I’m undertaking to drink a pint of scotch during this show. To be honest, either it won’t get done, or it’ll get done with a lot of throwing up, which is cheating. And no one likes a cheater.

Hmm I don’t really feel like updating this entire thing, I guess. Results shows are boring. Maroon 5 is playing. I’m going to go have a cigarette and then come back and then talk about how much I hate commercials some more, probably, because I’m drunk. I probably won’t even edit this later. I submit that drunk American Idol is the best kind of American Idol. Almost like Rockstar: Supernova . Did anybody else watch that last summer? I really wanted Delana to win but instead that emo bush baby kid won. What a crock of shit that was.

Not gonna lie, Blake’s not-at-a-highschool concert totally beats the pants off of Jordin’s at-a-highschool concert. Or pep rally or whatever that was. Of course we won’t find out who’s going home until the end. This is lame. Now some Elliott dude is singing. I didn’t watch last year so I neither know who he is nor care. He looks like an older, less attractive, less talented Josh Groban singing with an older, fatter, less talented TLC. Also my shift key is being a jackass.

Ooh a preview for a movie in which Bruce Willis throws a dude out of a truck. I think in was or something. Maybe Die Hard: 3? 7? Which number are they on now? I certainly don’t know. Woah a music hunter? Or huntress? Women are allowed to hunt now? Looney Toons did not alert me to this fact. Oh, and good, a Mac commercial. You know what? I have a PC and I’m not a hipster or a rockstar, but I can still use the internet just fine. And I can process words. And play Sims. And illegally download movies, music, and TV shows. And that’s pretty much all I need my computer for. … I’m just sad because Macs are so cute. But every time I use one I feel like a 4-year-old. I know how to use a computer, Macs. You don’t need to make it extra easy for me. My friend has a panda bear costume and there’s a big panda head staring at me right now. That’s sort of weird. Also his speakers are making weird noises. Eeep. I’m sort of scared that they might explode. I bet they won’t though. Not from Maroon 5.

I never noticed, but Melinda has bad teeth. You’re famous now, Melinda. Get some veneers! She looks very pretty tonight, actually. Probably because her mouth is closed so I can’t see her need for braces. I like her hair a lot more lately. It makes her look 28 instead of 48. Her shirt says “Death Cheater” on it, though, and frankly, I think that’s a rather liberal term for “someone who has managed not to die yet.” I mean, really. It’s not like Melinda is wearing a Dreamsicle suit, riding Gatorade-powered cupcake motorcycles through a village in Nebraska during the Dust Bowl or anything. She’s hardly about to be mauled to death.

After a brief performance by Maroon 5, whom I had confused with The White Stripes for at least the first half of the song, because both band names contain colors and I’m clinically retarded, Melinda is VOTED OFF!!!! Sincerely, I’m excited for this finale. I love Blake and Jordin more than anyone will ever know. But still. Melinda? The best singer in the universe? Off the show? Bold choice, America.