Bob Barker Retires! Apocalyptic Scene hits Burbank!

June 17th, 2007

Pandemonium broke out early this morning as it was reported that the 83 year old host of The Price is Right Bob Barker, retired from his television duties and will now focus his full attention to his life long passion of “bedding 20 something babes and neutering every fucking dog on this whole damn planet! “ Bob stated that he couldn’t take one more kiss from a senile old woman and proclaimed he would track down every person who won the pricing games by bidding just one dollar and punch them in the kidneys till they pissed blood for the rest of their lives.

This announcement sparked outrage in the community and has led to several separate incidents around the country. In Burbank the news of Bob’s departure has led to scene of hysteria and panic that was set off this morning when hundreds of thousands of angry fans blitzkrieged the streets of Burbank. As innocent bystanders fled, rioters flooded to the center of the once quiet city to protest the Barker atrocity and to set everything in sight on fire. IKEA is considered “ground zero” as it was the first retailer to be hit by an enraged mob. It exploded into a mass fireball that shattered windows miles around and caused debris to rain from the sky for over an hour. No one could have expected balsa wood to be such a volatile material and the fall of IKEA seemed to invigorate the crowd as they watched flaming armoires fall into local businesses, setting them ablaze and rendering the city a war zone.

Fires have been lit that can be seen as far south as San Diego and the thick smoke who’s color can only be described as “the color of death” has blocked out the sun for the entire day as fanatical fans of the show destroy everything in sight. Yuppies and Hollywood producers have been ripped from the drivers seats of their Mercedes and flogged to death by a hordes of angry onlookers as Burbank has revolted into a state of ravaged chaos that has caused officials to declare Martial Law.

One man interviewed vehemently opposed the “Pro-Bob“ Camp by saying, “I don’t know what this
world is coming to. I mean, I love the Price is Right as much as the next person, but the guy is just a game show host. I mean come on people, you need to get a life and or better yet get a job. I bet most of these people are unemployed. How the hell else would you be able to watch the show?”

Fortunately, this man was quickly taken into custody, duct taped to a telephone pole and shot to death in front of a crowd of 200,000 happy on lookers. “Viva La Bob” they screamed, as the man’s body lay lifeless and limp while of deep red blood (the blood of the non-believers) gushed into nearby sewers, turning the Los Angeles River into a macabre reminder of the tragedy that follows daytime game shows. Bodies, overturned police cars and cheap furniture are strewn across the city in an scene of carnage that hasn’t been seen since the day Richard Dawson died.

A rioter was asked why she was such a fanatical supporter of “The Price” and the young woman replied, “What the hell am I gonna watch now? The View? Seriously, who the fuck watches The View? They don’t even have that talking hippo anymore! My life is in shambles right now, I don’t know if I should just sit and cry or turn over more cop cars…” Before we could ask what she would do with her now seemingly worthless life, she lit a Molotov cocktail, threw it into an oncoming school bus and quickly disappeared into the billowing clouds of ash and smoke as she hummed Que Sera, Sera.


And that is just the start as stories such as these are pouring in from all over the city. The National Guard has been called in and right this moment tanks are rolling down Olive, as fanatics clash with troops in a mêlée of fire and destruction that bears many to question if this is the sign of an oncoming Apocalypse. Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly was reporting on the scene and commented that “If Republicans still had the House majority, many lives could have been spared.” Shortly thereafter, he was set afire along with the Fox News Headquarters which of course was set ablaze in “the most fair and balanced way.” Rupert Murdoch was not immediately available for comment although sources report that he was terribly upset to hear news of the tragic events and vowed never to leave his moon base until complete order was restored back on Earth.

It seems the days of game show hosts riding their horses into the California sunset have come to a screeching halt. A once pristine city has been destroyed by the cataclysmic power of television. The media urges people, please not go outdoors for any reason. Stay in front of your television tuned to your local news station for the exact same information that you have just read.

And if you don’t get your pet’s spayed or neutered Bob is coming looking for you because now he has the time…