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Aaron Peever

If I Was, I Would: A Hypothetical Poem

by Aaron Peever on


If I was gay, I would have sex with Hugh Jackman.

If I was a woman, I would have sex with Hugh Jackman.

If I was magic, I would turn myself into Patrick Stewart, so I can star opposite
Hugh Jackman in the X-men movies.

If I was Wayne Gretzky, I would use my celebrity to get closer to Hugh Jackman.

If I was Hugh Jackman, I would stop ignoring fan mail requesting autographed
8X10s of my torso.

If I was taller, I would better be able to see over the hedges at Hugh Jackman’s
summer home.

If I was a judge, I would revoke any and all restraining orders requested by
Hugh Jackman.

Think you can write a funnier poem than this one? Post it as an article and send the link to CHPoetryCorner@gmail.com.
Check out past poems here.

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Aaron Peever

Aaron Peever

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A Christmas Larceny

I used to work for a chinese computer company that no longer exists; one Christmas Eve a man comes into the store right as we are closing and counting money and insists that we start up the Point of Sale system again and sell him the video card he reserved online. We tell him that the computers have been shut down and all the transactions of the day batched and sent to the... Read More » credit card vendor. He keeps telling us that it's already paid for etc. and we keep telling him we can't process any more transactions until the morning of Dec. 26th. He then takes out a revolver and makes us lay on the floor while he steals the cash drawers and takes off. Turns out he had in fact reserved the video card online and his full name, address and phone number were in the system along with his email address; i bet his New Year sucked.