People You Hate at the Library

Overachiever in your class: This person is eight chapters ahead of you in the textbook, and has somehow managed to attend all the lectures, including that one in direct conflict with the opening day of March Madness. You ask them a simple question and they respond with references from office hours or their personal e-mail exchanges with the professor. A straightforward inquiry such as “Hey, what chapters are we responsible for?” is met with an answer like, “Well, Frank told us on the last day of class it’s only 2-10, but during his office hours he discussed some material from the beginning of 11, so you should 2-11 to be on the safe side.” This person also becomes extremely stressed out when they don’t understand every last detail pertaining to the material. “How are you doing with the IDs?” “Not well. Not well at all. I only actually know 46 out of the 50, and the other four I can just sort of define and might have to bullshit. I’m praying it doesn’t come down to that.” Yeah that does suck. And I hate you.

Freshman studying for survey level courses: Wow dude, it looks like you’ve got quite a load on your hands: Intro to Comm AND Psych 101. Whoa, how’d you get stuck with such a demanding course load? I hope you’re caught up on the reading and have been to every lecture, or else you’re toast. Those thirty question multiple-choice exams are no joke. All I have to study for is Physics 489 and Calc 436, that’s nothing compared to what you got. Good luck buddy, you’ll need it!

Gossiping sorority girl: This girl can be seen text messaging and heard chit chatting from all seats in the library. Breaking news is apparently taking place every three minutes, to the extent that this chick needs to spread the word best she can. “Did you know Courtney hooked up with that hottie in Phi Psi?” No I didn’t, but did you know that you are an obnoxious bitch and need to shut the f*ck up?

Guy who picks up his cell phone: As if breaking the dead silence with his new Akon ringtone wasn’t enough, this person has the nerve to answer the damn thing. Just cause you’re using your “indoor’ voice doesn’t mean we can’t hear you. “Yo dude, what’s up? I’m just chillin at the library. Can you do me a huge favor bro? Is there anyway you can Tivo Grey’s for me? Sweet. You’re truly my bro.” Wow, good thing you answered that, man. Grey’s broadcasts in nearly four hours and you STILL hadn’t lined up a Tivoer? That’s what I call cutting it close.

Loud kid in the study group behind you: Every study group has one of these. This guy insists on cracking jokes every minute or so to “lighten the mood,” and just can’t resist the urge of casually dropping in anecdotes about him and his crazy roommates. He feels that his “contributions” are so enlightening that every person in a ten table radius would benefit from them. “That reminds me, did I ever tell you guys about the time my roommates and I drank a beer with an on-duty cop?” No, you actually didn’t, please do. Then kill yourself.

Girl on facebook sitting next to you: It looks like America has found its new badass. Browsing facebook while at the library? You are such a rebel! She just spoke with her mom and informed her that she’s on her way to the library, but little did her mom know that her time would be spent poking her BFFs and checking her news feeds. Using the library for recreation increases her coolness tenfold. The sad part is that despite how much studying you have, you watch her screen as if it’s airing footage of the Olsen twins engaged in lesbian sex.