Cereal Mascot Therapy Session

Therapist: It’s nice to see everybody here. Who would like to begin?
Sonny the Cuckoo: Well, I would just like to say that I stopped hanging around with Toucan Sam, and I haven’t touched a Cocoa Puff since May 3rd.
Therapist: Three weeks sober. Congratulations! (all applaud) How does that feel?
Sonny the Cuckoo: There’s a ringing in my ears, and it feels like termites are eating me alive from the inside.
Trix Rabbit: Be strong, Sonny. I know what it’s like to be a slave to cravings.
Captain Crunch: Silly Rabbit…
Trix Rabbit: What did you say?
Therapist: All right, we’re all friends here –
Trix Rabbit: No. Say it to my face!
Therapist: This is a circle of trust! Now, Rabbit, have you sat the kids down and opened the lines of communication towards a mutually beneficial negotiation?
Trix Rabbit: All they understand is Red No. 7, Yellow No. 5…
Therapist: Then it sounds like you have to look out for No. 1.

(mumbles of understanding)

Cookie Crisp Crook: I don’t see why you don’t just pinch it from the little bastards.
Parole Officer: Keep it up. I’m taking notes.
Lucky the Leprechaun: That’s the kind of attitude that encourages kids to steal from me.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Lucky the Leprechaun: Ashamed. Flabbergasted. It’s like they’re the smartest kids in the world.
Captain Crunch: Either that, or you’re just the stupidest f***ing leprechaun.
Therapist: Mr. Crunch, you’re out of line.
Captain Crunch: CAPTAIN!
Trix Rabbit: Yeah, like he’s ever really been in the military.
Sonny the Cuckoo: I need a hit…
Therapist: What?
Snap: Looks like
Crackle: Somebody’s off
Pop: The wagon!
Therapist: Snap, Crackle and Pop, we’ve talked about ganging up on others. You need to find your individual voices.
Wendel the Chef (to Snap, Crackle and Pop): What the hell are you guys, anyway?
Therapist: Wendel, you look awfully bitter.
Wendel: It’s the taste you can see.
Therapist: Does this stem from your relationship with the Frosted Mini Wheat?
Wendel: I think he’s bi-polar.
Trix Rabbit: It could be worse. You could work for Raisin Bran.

(The Raisin Bran Sun peeks in through the curtains.)

Raisin Bran Sun: I’ll scoop both of your eyes out.
Therapist: And Tony, how are the anti-depressants working out?
Tony the Tiger: They’re Grrrrreat!
Lucky (whispering to Trix Rabbit): He’s over-medicated.
Sonny the Cuckoo (diving into a bowl of Cocoa Puffs): I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

(Toucan Sam comes tumbling out of the closet, his beak covered in blood and cocaine.)

Toucan Sam: Follow your nose!

(He flies into the ceiling fan. An explosion of feathers.)

Count Chocula: I vant my money back.