Real History

For those of you hoping to squeeze a few more points out of that term paper, we bring you:

50,000 BC: A lonely Caveman invents the Vagina; replacing the spiny fruit that previously occupied the area.

30 AD: Jesus nailed to big six pointed star by Romans. Copyright law forces Christians to make certain “dramatic choices” in story of savior.

252 AD: With western colonialism and the slave trade centuries down the line, Africa declares things, “all good in the hood.”

779 AD: Limited technology of dark ages confines all sexual metaphors to plow references until 812 when Gredrick of Blackstoole states, “I would churn her butter all the way to winter harvest.”

1335 AD: Witches hunted to brink of extinction.

1509 AD: Henry VIII first ever enthusiast of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Strangely, no one notices wives being dragged to execution already dead.

1692 AD: Townsfolk of Salem discover remaining witches can be used as source of fuel.

1762 AD: Story of Marie-Antoinette’s remark, “let them eat cake” actually heavily edited version of original remark, “make them eat dogshit.”

1870 AD: Franco Prussian war fabricated by lazy historians who make up imaginary country by attaching letter ‘P’ to Russia.

1876 AD: Custer’s last stand also Custer’s first ever shit while standing up.

1918 AD: While Germany loses the World War they are declared decisive winners of pointed, hat contest.

1972 AD: Armless vets declare Vietnam War a smashing success. Subsequent high fives less successful.

1995 AD: Most important blowjob of all time given to President of America. Conspiracy theorists hypothesize a second gunman who busted a second load into Lewinsky’s hair.