Packing for college is a daunting task. You have no idea what kind of things you’re going to need, so you bring everything. You pack shirts that you haven’t worn in three years, CD’s you’ve never even opened, and pictures of your mom. Well now that you’re a few weeks into the semester, here are a few ideas for practical uses for the useless sht you’ve brought to school.
High school yearbook: Let’s be honest for a second. You just weren’t thinking clearly when you packed this. No one, and I’m not exaggerating at all when I say, absolutely no one wants to see your high school year book. Not a single person in your dorm even cares that you went to high school. The yearbook can now serve as a food tray, beer coaster, or most likely, a porn magazine.
Desk lamp: When have you ever turned this on? All the little “compartments“ at its base for pens, pencils, tacks and change are empty and collecting dust. Allow me to suggest turning it into a heat lamp for your Jergens© lotion. Not following? Have you ever masturbated with warm lotion? It’s Heaven. Enough said. Oh and if you’re one of those kids that “doesn’t masturbate“ try incubating baby chickens. Or killing yourself.
Condoms: Probably the most depressing thing you’re not using. And actually, even if you are having sex, you’re still not using them. Their new practical use is as a change purse. Good news though, when has carrying a change purse failed to get a dude laid?
Mirror: Ever since you started gaining all that weight and stopped shaving you’ve been avoiding your pasty, scraggly face at all costs. Looking for a better use for that mirror your mom bought at Target for no reason? Set it up so it can reflect with the window. On a good night, you can totally watch your roommate bang his girlfriend. Too bad she’s so butch.
Miscellaneous: There’s also tons of random shit that you brought. Little things that you got just for that one time in your life this year you might need them. Well that time never comes. To get your money’s worth, use these things as ammunition for throwing things at drunk people. These items include, but are not limited to, clothes hangers, highlighters, glue sticks and scissors.
That’s all my advice for now. But don’t be afraid to search for your very own better ways to use the junk you brought to school with you. Good luck, and happy using.
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