Why I Slept Alone a lot in College.

or . . .

Things I said Aloud to Boys 1998-2002

• I think I’m a combination of Carrie and Miranda. Though sometimes I’m Charlotte. I guess I’m all three. But not Samantha.

• I just learned in my Women’s Studies class why we wear lipstick. Cause see how my lips are all red and glossy? Okay so look, if I turn my head sideways . . .hello?! A vagina! God, it’s so obvious.

• I just dyed my hair from “cherry bark” to “cranberry” and I’m thinking it was a mistake. Right? What do you think? Does it look natural?

• No, I can’t sit through a whole football game. Besides, football is just a barbaric example of man’s pathetic need for violence.

• No, we’re not having sex on my futon with my roommate sleepingright up there.And, like, I don’t even know you.

• I bet I can eat a whole medium pizza faster than you.

• I bet I can eat a whole loaf of bread faster than you.

• I bet I weigh more than you.

• Sorry you lostdude! I was on a bowling league when I was younger. Sucka! You lose, big time!

• I’m not an object, I’m a person. I’m a whole person!

• Well I didn’t think we were just hooking up, I thought we were dating!

• Well fine, then I’m breaking up with…hooking up with you!

• When I was little I used to pretend I was in the cast of Growing Pains.

• I think the first guy I had a crush on was Gobo Fraggle. I know he’s a Muppet, but I thought he was hot.

• Well as long as you have a good book to readyou can never be lonely.

• I love Animal Planet too! It’s crazy that male kangaroos have forked penises because female kangaroos have double vaginas!

• I don’t know why, but I’ve never dated a Jewish guy. I guess I’mjust not attracted to them. No, not you! You’re different.
  

• I feel like if I would have developed breasts later in life, they’d be a lot higher right now.

• Why don’t we just take things slow.

• Wanna see me make the ugliest face ever?!
  
  

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mindy@mindyraf.com

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