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Tom and Jerry Justice Files

by Mac on May 25, 2007

The following is the last known correspondance between Tom Cat and Jerry Mouse before the infamous Looney Tunes Massacre of ’67

Dear Jerry,

C’mon man. I mean, I know all the kids love your cute smile and heart-warming little tricks while I chase you around the house and whatever, but I really want to sit down with you and have a real heart to heart about our relationship.We can’t keep playing with our emotions like this forever you know?Drop me a line sometime and we’ll talk.

Yours truly,

Tom

Dear Tom,

You’re joking right?All you’ve ever wanted from us was to run me down as fast and hard as you could and take the occasional beating.It’s cool that you’re into all the S&M but it’s starting to freak me out.I’ve blown your face off one too many times, come close to dying four times now and I still don’t know what happened to Nibbles after “Two Mouseketeers.”I think we should call the whole thing off.

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

I can stop.Really I can.Look we’ve worked through this before.I’ve gotten off the catnip, and I’m working with this guy from Looney Toons, said he went through the exact same thing with some bird he saw for a while.I need you Jerry.Barbera’s breathing down my neck, and no one will take me for any new roles.Violent tendencies or some bullshit like that they say.

Tom

For fuck-sake Tom, you talked to Wile E.?Do you have a cell left between what’s left of your ears?That sick bastard was in with Acme and God knows what kind of shit they’re cranking out these days.He got hooked on that shit and look where it got him.That dumbass couldn’t even fall without looking like a special-ed reject. Look, I’m with Sylvester now and if you so much as fart within 800 feet of me again I swear I’ll call some REALLY messed guys that’ll bring you a whole new world of hurt.

Shitface,

You two-timing ungrateful little slut.If it weren’t for me you would be dry humping some dirty rat whore in the rotted out motel you called home.I made you.You didn’t even want the MGM deal.No, you said you couldn’t take all the cameras and popularity.Whiney little… Oh and your “boy” Fudd won’t be around to suck you off anymore.That’s right cum junkie, this pussy’s got claws and I know right where to squeeze.Don’t think that weak excuse for a pimp can keep you safe from me.I will hunt you and all the rest of your knob gobbling Tune friends right down to that chubby retard that can’t even finish a damn sentence.A thethe the uh thethe the, well That’s All Bitch.