Drunken Pole Crashes Into Man by Paul Frank

Local college student Jeffrey Hughes was driving home from “2 A.M. church” this Saturday when a telephone pole “came out of nowhere” and slammed into his car. “I could practically smell the alcohol on that pole’s breath. It should get off the fuckin’ road when it’s drunk.” Jeff, on the other hand, doesn’t “sin and drink and drive”, saying he did become inebriated with joy and relief that he didn’t die. He also added that he shotgunned a few beers in celebration of that fact before the cops arrived on the scene.

Police say this is the first incident they have had with a drunken pole, but assured Jeff they will investigate. Jeff claims this isn’t his first incident with drunken poles or drunken kids playing on the side of the road. The female police officer let Jeff go, telling him to drive carefully in the future. “I know, donut vagina. That’s a compliment. Want to have sex?”

Jeff plans to go on a binge of motivational speaking at local bars, warning people about the dangers of poles on the side of the road, as well as trees and mailboxes. He was last seen screaming at a pole in the early hours of the morning and then pissing on it, then crying, lying back against the pole in the puddle of his fresh piss.

The pole didn’t survive the accident. Funeral services will be held Wednesday.