Left to my lonesome

Saturday May 27, 2007

1:08a.m.- Woke up after gorging myself on the cheapest ice cream I could find that tasted like iced milk mixed with guilt and nothingness. Realized that my last room mate has moved out so I immediately remove my underwear and jack up the ac

1:10a.m.- Realized that being cold and naked really doesn’t add to the whole “girth theory” and immediately turn on the heat and put on some long johns.

2:25 a.m.- Feeling a new found freedom I putmy favoriteadult entertainment into my overworked PS2, crank up the sound,raise the shades and let it all ride on black baby.

2:26 a.m.- After wiping off my wall I quickly realize it was too much too soon. Definitely need to put in some more work in the minors so I turn it down halfway, close my door and pull the shades back down.

5:00 a.m- I go on web m.d. to see if there’s a quick remedy for having tennis elbow, carpal tunnel syndrome, and a seperated shoulder all at once.

5:05 a.m.- Got the munchies and realize that I don’t actually shop for food so am reduced to eating 4 day old chinese food and something Indian room mate left behind.

5:35 a.m.- God damn those sub-asianpeople. I quickly realize what a huge fucking mistake I made and spend the next four hours cowering on the bathroom floor and writing curse words in ancient sametic text

12:20 p.m.- Got some sleep after giving birth to the anti-christ through my rectum and looked up grades for last semester on computer. (fingers crossed)

12:21 p.m.- What the fuck am I doin with my life. I mean seriously did I just sleep through the entire fuckin’ semester. Oh God, my mother is going to kill me. She’s going to kill me. I have to come up with a plan. hmmm… this is going to take some serious thought. puff, puff, pass to self, puff, puff…..

7:12 p.m.- Ok I’ve worked out my master plan. I take my worldly posessions, and take a greyhound down to Florida. I look up my Cuban cousins and get mules to smuggle in my own supply of peyote by way of the Barnum and Bailey Circus. (what do you mean mules aren’t actually animals? Then wtf are they? ohhhhhh really all the way up there. hmmmm…..)

7:16 p.m.- Made minor adjustments to plan. I figure if I take 20 credits each semester and average a 4.2 GPA not only will I graduate on time but I actually stand a a gay pedophile’s chance in the priesthood of making it out of college with a degree that will let me get a six figure job. I love this fuckin’ country.