Now initially this was going to be a post about how to hook up with Ms. Bush, but I’m not exactly an expert on politics and I haven’t read through the Patriot Act, so the legality of all of that was up in the air. I don’t want to get tarred and/or feathered or audited…so with that being said here we go.

Step 1: Step one you say we need to talk you say sit down it's just a talk…Wait no I’m sorry that is The Fray. Don’t do that.

Real Step 1: Learn the difference between Habeas Corpus and the Disney movie Hocus Pocus. Habeas Corpus is the name of a legal action in which detainees can seek relief from unlawful imprisonment. Hocus Pocus is the 1993 movie starring Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimy. Trust me you need to know the difference. Once I went to a wine tasting with Tipper Gore and well long story short…it’s awkward when you say it should be illegal to take away someone’s right to watch a movie. It also didn’t help when I thought global warming was the new tanning place on 3rd Ave, stupid politics.

Step 2: Learn everything you can about Jim Varney. You may know Varney from all of those Earnest goes to…(add backdrop for comedic hilarity) movies. You forget that Laura’s current husband is the target audience for Earnest movies, hence I’m sure she has seen them all. Make sure to know all the subtle differences that took place when Earnest went to Africa, from when he saved Christmas, and from that frightening time when he was scared stupid. Make sure to agree with her when she talks about Slam Dunk Earnest being a microcosm for the situation in Iraq. She’s crazy, but beautiful.

Step 3: Serenade her with the majestic harmonic tunes of Boys 2 Men. I’m not talking about that weak sauce crap they put out when they talked about being down on bended knee; I’m talking about Motownphilly. L-train LOVES Motownphilly but sadly enough hates End of the Road. That may become a problem for us later down the line.

Step 4: Let her win at Mousetrap. Listen that game may very well be the craziest trap you will ever see, but if she loses, wow, that will be the craziest fit you will ever see. Who would have thought that such a distinguished woman would be such a sore loser? I once saw her throw a cantaloupe at Condoleeza Rice after a rather gut wrenching loss in Connect Four. Pretty sneaky Condy.

Step 5: Bring her a surprise gift. Flowers and chocolates won’t work on this sophisticated lady with a pallet for gold; you need to think outside the box. A few gift ideas that might help you are: A microwave, canned ham, season 5 of Seinfeld on DVD, a set of steak knives, a deluxe George Foreman Grill, a Dido CD, a copy of Scary Movie 2, and/or a 25 dollar gift certificate to Cracker Barrel.

Step 6: Watch Dancing With the Stars with her. Listen I know the show sucks, but GW won't watch it with her (in Lauras' words, "It's all Tiny Toons and Borat with him"). That's odd, where does he find Tiny Toons reruns? Is that show on DVD, after this post I'm going straight to Amazon. Anyway, yes the show is awful, but in new relationships you have to prove yourself, especially when the guy before you was President of the United States. Little does Laura know that I was president of our schools James Van Deer Beek fan club. Advantage Josh.

There you have it folks, it’s as easy as that. With her husband distracted by all the rigors that come with being president there has never been a better time to strike. Is it immoral? Yes. But as Canada Bill Jones said, “It's Immoral to let a sucker keep his money.” I’m assuming by money he means wife and by sucker he means the president. Good day.