OJ Simpson, Robert Blake, Michael Jackson, Phil Spector, Jayson Williams—they did it. Just because they've got enough money to afford the best legal team in the world, along with being stuck with some of the dumbest jurors in history, doesn't mean they didn't kill/molest that woman/little boy. Sorry.

The rolling backpack is an unnecessary invention. So you can't lift the ten pounds of books you put in your bag? Sorry to hear about your multiple sclerosis. Oh, you don't have MS? Well, a backpack isn't that goddamn heavy. Plus, you see, it's got these convenient straps you can slide over your shoulders, so all the weight goes on your back. Unless your spine looks like a stack of toothpicks, I think you can handle it. The next person I see with a rolling backpack is getting smashed in the face with my bag, which I keep conveniently on my back.


The whole ROFL thing needs to stop right about now. ROFLcopter, ROFLcoaster, ROFLtank—enough is enough. And were you really Rolling On the Floor to begin with? Here, let me end this thing once and for all—ROFLMAN Takraf RB293. That's the largest land vehicle in the world. It's over now.

The Pope is a bit unnecessary. We get it—you don't want us to drink, do drugs, or have sex. Big surprise. But I'm going to go ahead and ignore all that because I don't think I need to be taking life hints from someone who was once convinced that Hitler was the good guy.

Vanilla is not an ice cream flavor. Vanilla ice cream should just be called _________ ice cream. It is not a flavor. It is flavorless. When you go to Baskin Robbins and they ask you what flavor you want, and you say, "Blank", that is what you get. Enjoy that ______ ice cream cone, but be sure not to get any on your short-sleeve button-down shirt while you're working at GeneriTech for the next forty years.

Spider-Man 3 was not a bad movie. Sure, there was a little too much sappy romance, but come on, did you even see the rest of the movie? An outstandingly hilarious cameo by Bruce Campbell, a 100-foot tall Sandman, and some of the best special effects ever?! I'm serious, it was good! What the hell's the matter with you people?!