Boycotting Is the Solution

A new revolution has hit America. From coast to coast, civilians are boycotting anything and everything they disagree with. Shoot…I just ended a sentence in a preposition, we should probably boycott this article – it sucks anyway, but read on if you’re not an opinionated whore.

Okay, well we all saw the success of the May 15th gas boycott. It worked great and gas prices have dropped an astounding negative 85 cents. Good job everyone in those Facebook groups. What, they still aren’t low enough??? Well hell, let’s single out and boycott one gas company. Give the guy who came up with that idea a free Sippy cup’s worth of that processed petroleum. Maybe that’ll inspire him to cure Elephantitis (of my penis).

Let’s see…what else can we boycott? Masturbation! That’s it. I’m no longer doing the five finger knuckle shuffle until they think of a better method. I’m really chafed and my artificial feminine parts won’t be here for another 4-6 weeks.

Hmm…condoms also need a boycott – the prices are outrageous! I can’t even afford the magnums anymore. Trust me, they’re necessary and all but I’m willing to show Trojan who’s boss. Plus, no big deal, I have a box of latex gloves under the sink. To boot, I can use each one 4 times. Okay, I’ll admit, I use the thumb.

I mean, we definitely don’t want to suck it up and work a couple extra hours to afford life’s luxuries. Speaking of hours…let’s boycott those. It’s always “I’ll meet you in an hour” this, or “I’ll give you a handy in a few hours” that. It really is ridiculous.

So those are just a few of the things deserving of a good ole fashion boycott. What better way to get what I want than by making unrealistic refusals when life gets a little tough – riding a bike is too hard anyway. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to create a “Don’t buy Wendy’s JBCs on July 7th. That ginger slut isn’t cute enough and I demand a new mascot. (This could really work!)” Facebook group.