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Lincoln Hawk

One Upping the One Upper Guy

by Lincoln Hawk on

Guy: I have always wanted to go hang gliding


One Upper Guy: I went hang gliding in Hawaii last year. It was breath taking


Me: Every year I hang glide out of moving helicopter into some war torn country with only a buck knife wearing nothing but a banana hammock just to see if I can survive.



Guy: I liked the new “Punisher” movie with Rebecca Roman Stamos


One Upper Guy: I have the special edition. It is much better and it has twenty minutes of extra footage and two alternate endings.


Me: I liked the original better it had Dolph Lungdren the guy that played Ivan Draggo who was the Russian boxer in “Rocky 4”. I really enjoy those cheesy 90’s action movies and it is extra hard to find because it’s only on VHS. My production company is working on getting a DVD version out to the general public.



Guy: What ever happened to Tonya Harding?


One Upper Guy: I saw her last week pumping gas


Me: Last week I saw her at the Piggy Wiggly. I paid a clown to distract her while I shattered her kneecap with a sledgehammer. Then me, her, and the clown took a picture together.



Guy: My cousin was grazed in a drive-by shooting last weekend


One Upper Guy: I use to be in gang and got caught in crossfire once and had a bullet go right thru my shoulder. I can show you the scar but it is really small since I heal really really fast.


Me: I shoot myself once a month near my vital organs just to see how fast I can remove the bullets using only a heated pliers. My record is 25 seconds. I would show you the scars but I am so precise in surgery that I never leave scars.



Guy: I just got a 5k raise yesterday


One Upper Guy: I make 150k a year and get to drive the company Mercedes any time I want.


Me: I just won the 270 million dollar Powerball. Tomorrow I am going to buy the companies you guys work for and fire you both.

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Lincoln Hawk

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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Skinny biking

After a night (more like during) of heavy drinking, my friend and I were riding bikes around our little island town in the Florida Keys. We rode past a balcony of girls who began hollering and whistling for us. we stopped around the corner, which was the last sober or sound decision we made that night. We decided it would be in our best interest as well for the sake of... Read More » humor, to do one more lap around that particular block, only without any clothes on. My friend went first, shooting around the block and disappearing behind the corner. I followed behind only to realize as I was turning the corner that I was riding directly in front of the headlights of a god damned cop car. I began hauling ass (still naked) through this residential neighborhood eventually ditching into someone's front yard. The cops spotted my bike and flashed the spot light on my very white ass. I came out with my hands up. After an hour of sitting on the curb sans clothes, while more and more cops showed up ( several of which I went to High School with) They only charged me with going down a one way and running a stop sign. My friend made it one more block further than me and made it home free.