If I Ruled the World...

These songs would be included on Guitar Hero III (I’m talking to you, Red Octane).

What: “Why Don’t You Get a Job” by The Offspring
Why: Besides the appeal of being almost “Ob La Di, Ob La Da” and the inevitable “Hey, I totally forgot about The Offspring since I lost my American Pie 2 soundtrack CD!” that will be exclaimed by your friends when they see it on the set list, my boyfriend is a lazy piece of sh*t, and I can’t think of a better way to tell him than by playing this song over and over and over again.

What: “Cats in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin
Why: My dad is a rock star, and now every time he asks me why I’m “wasting my time playing some piece of sh*t guitar video game instead of going to school,” I can say, “I’m gonna be like you, dad. You know I’m gonna be like you.” Plus I want to find a way to make him cry that doesn’t involve me spending all his money on new purses.

What: “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton
Why: I need to find a new way to celebrate Conor Clapton’s untimely death. I don’t think my biannual Eric Clapton’s Son is Dead party is really reminding him enough.

What: “Peaches” by The Presidents of the United States of America
Why: This is one of the few songs that is exclusively about cunnilingus. Plus I think it would be easy. Just like cunnilingus. Seriously, guys, it’s not that tough. A dog can do it.

What: “Gin & Juice” as covered by The Gourds
Why: I love this song, but also, the purpose of your band in the career mode of Guitar Hero seems to be achieving the status of Greatest Cover Band ever, and it would be sort of fitting to gain that status by playing covers of covers.

What: “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” by R.E.M.
Why: It reminds me of the Pete & Pete theme song for reasons I don’t think I’ll be able to discover until I’ve played it personally, while yelling at my soon-to-be-former friends about how much they’re fucking up the bass line.

What: “I Need More Allowance” by The Beets
Why: Because I do.