Things You Can Say When Your Landlord Asks You About All of the Stolen Stuff at Your Place

1) We made all that stuff ourselves from scratch. Yes, of course we know how to make street signs. And lifeguard chairs. And bronze statues of Alan Greenspan.

2) If they didn’t want anyone to take it, why would they have left it out in the open in the middle of that restaurant’s basement with only one little padlock on the door?

3) Uhh…no hablo ingles anymore.

4) My crazy Uncle Pee Wee died and this is what he left me. I just miss him so much, I can’t bring myself to get rid of it.

5) Well most of it is state property and we live in the state, so technically it’s ours.

6) What’s with all the questions? This is discrimination! You’re just asking because I’m [insert minority status…if nothing else just say you’re gay]

7) Stuff? What stuff? Oh, that. That was here when we moved in. That’s yours. Better question: what has two thumbs and hasn’t fixed any of the stuff that we told him was broken three months ago?

8) We have to recreate New Orleans for a class project & that’s the debris. The blow-up dolls represent the federal government—see how they’re not doing anything?

9) We got drunk and stole it. But you’re not going to report it because you can’t get your rent check if we’re in jail. Now leave me alone, I’ve got more drugs to do.