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Amir Blumenfeld

A Dinner Party

by Amir Blumenfeld on


A Busy dinner party. There are five couples. Don and Miranda, Craig and Samantha, Ryan and Veranda, Sanj and Kristina, and lastly Gron and Gristida. Everybody has arrived except for Ryan. They are all sitting to eat dinner.

Gristida: So Veranda, where is Ryan?

Veranda: Oh, he’s running late. He should be here—

Ryan: (arriving) Any second!

everybody laughs

Sanj: Ryan! Welcome! Can I get you something to drink?

Ryan: Is your drinking water poisoned? The answer may shock you.

Sanj: Huh? No. It’s not… wait, what?

Veranda: Oh, sorry. Ryan is a news promo writer. Sometimes he can’t quite turn it off after work. Isn’t that right, Ryan? (Smiling Sternly) Turn it off though, right now.

Ryan: Sorry honey. (kisses her forehead) Anybody else hungry!?

Samantha: (coming in with a big bowl) Who wants salad!?

Ryan: Do you or does somebody you know have Prostate Cancer? Why some scientists think the cure can be found in a salad, and not in a lab. At 11.

Miranda: It’s not even 8…

Kristina: Okay! (claps) I am starved! Let’s eat.

Ryan: Millions of American’s are overweight. But is America the most obese country in the world? Why some Dutch doctors are saying yes.

Veranda: Ryan.

Gron: That is enough.

Sanj : (nervous) Does anybody want soup? Kristina made a killer split pea soup.

Ryan: They come in swarms. You’ve heard about them, but how much do you actually know about Africanized Killer Peas.

Veranda: Ryan!

Don: That one was a stretch.

Gron: You’re a freak.

Ryan: They say sticks and stones may break your bones, but find out how one local man has been using names. To hurt me. At 11.

Gron: I’m sorry.

Ryan: No you’re not.

Veranda: We should go.

Ryan: I’ve never felt so insulted in my life.

Sanj: I’m sorry. Lets— let’s start over. I feel horribly.

Ryan: Think you know your friends? How a psychopath could be lurking in your social circle. At 11.

Craig: (to Veranda) Is he talking about himself?

Ryan: Don’t know how to take a hint? Trouble may be closer then you think. Coming up next.

Sanj: I’m calling the fucking police.

Ryan: A bomb explodes at a local dinner party. Find out why police are calling this one of the most heinous crimes ever committed.

Samantha: (Enters holding a cooked bird) Honey, why is our main course beeping?

Gron: DUCK!!!!!!

Samantha: It’s turkey.

House explodes.

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Amir Blumenfeld

Amir Blumenfeld

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Skinny biking

After a night (more like during) of heavy drinking, my friend and I were riding bikes around our little island town in the Florida Keys. We rode past a balcony of girls who began hollering and whistling for us. we stopped around the corner, which was the last sober or sound decision we made that night. We decided it would be in our best interest as well for the sake of... Read More » humor, to do one more lap around that particular block, only without any clothes on. My friend went first, shooting around the block and disappearing behind the corner. I followed behind only to realize as I was turning the corner that I was riding directly in front of the headlights of a god damned cop car. I began hauling ass (still naked) through this residential neighborhood eventually ditching into someone's front yard. The cops spotted my bike and flashed the spot light on my very white ass. I came out with my hands up. After an hour of sitting on the curb sans clothes, while more and more cops showed up ( several of which I went to High School with) They only charged me with going down a one way and running a stop sign. My friend made it one more block further than me and made it home free.