Ethan: Straight to the point this week: no bullshit, no gimmicks, no exaggerations. LeBron James is the greatest basketball player in the history of the world and quite possibly the universe.
Amir: Why stop at basketball? LeBron James is not only a Sports God, but an actual God. I worship his headband as I would any modern diety. When it rains, momma said that's LeBron James sweating at the line after an and 1.
Ethan: I honestly think that his performance in Game 5 was the most dominant NBA performance I've ever seen. He wasn't being a ballhog; the only way to win was for him to completely take it over. After he'd done the little dish to Gooden, who missed a wide-open 12 footer in the lane, it was obvious that passing was out of the question.
Amir: He trusts his teammates to inbound the ball to him.
Ethan: Jordan at least had Pippen to fall back on. LeBron doesn't even have a solid Dickey Simpkins of his own. Side note on Gooden: is his back-of-neck-fuzz going to stick around now that they've made the finals? Will it be like Rip's mask?
Amir: That's actually protecting him from severe spinal injury. LeBron's performance was dominant, but not the most dominant I've ever seen. Remember when Jordan beat the Jazz while he had the Flu? When I have the flu I can't even watch basketball. At least not over the tray of Matzoh Ball soup my mom brings me. Are the Cavs the worst team, 2-12 to ever make the NBA finals? I don't think they have any All-Stars, past, present, or future other than LeBron.
Ethan: Ilgauskas has made the All-Star game twice! He's a superstar, just ask anyone on the streets of his hometown of Kaunas, Lithuania.
Amir: If you're going to use Wikipedia in the middle of this column, try to be a little more discrete about it.
Ethan: What? I don't even know what you're talking about. Say, did you know Larry Hughes weighs 68 kilograms and goes by the nickname "STL"? That's almost as good as Daniel Gibson going by "Boobie."
Amir: That's actually not true, I edited that page 4 minutes ago to screw you over.
Ethan: I knew he wasn't born on January 69th.
Amir: The sad thing about Cleveland is that if Boozer would have stayed with them, I think they would be a legit contender right now. They would be an amazing one-two punch.
Ethan:They're not a "legit contender?" They're in the Finals!
Amir: But they don't have a chance. What is your finals prediction?
Ethan: On paper, it seems like the Spurs should rout them in 4-5 games, but the Pistons should have, too. LeBron isn't a great matchup for the Spurs, so I'm going out on a limb: Cavs in seven.
Amir: Wow. I've heard of dumb predictions before (Like the time I said Ohio State was not making it to the sweet sixteen) but Cleveland winning Game 7 in San Antonio, isn't just ballsy, its absurd. The Spurs are going to sweep this thing, and do it pretty easily. But I'd rather see San Antonio beat Cleveland four times, then a seven games Spurs/Pistons series. So no complaints here!
Ethan: And Billy Donovan would rather not have to watch an NBA game. Even from a courtside seat. Now, I don't have a widow's peak, so I can't pretend to understand him, but what the hell is going on with this guy?
Amir: I've never seen somebody so adamant about not coaching an NBA team. Even if he figured he made a mistake, why not take the 30 million and just silently feel guilty somewhere? I'd love to make a thirty million dollar mistake like that.
Ethan: Even at his introductory press conference he looked miserable. Does he realize his entire title team is gone? The smart thing to do would have been to stick it out with the Magic for a year or two and try to win with Howard and Nelson. If it didn't work, he'd get canned and get $5.5 mil a year for not coaching the Magic. Now he looks like a flake.
Amir: A well groomed flake.
Ethan: On the other hand, if the NBA really bans him from coaching in the league for five years, he'll be an even deadlier college recruiter. He'll be the only high-level college coach who can honestly tell recruits that he's definitely not going to the NBA. His punishment is actually going to help him!
Amir: How bad is this for Orlando. Before you answer, I want you to know that as I type this, they are in talks with the Heat to sign Stan Van Gundy.
Ethan: Hey, when they fire him, they'll win the title. That's how it works, right? Heat fans? Anybody? Plus, Jeff's unemployed, so it's like they're getting two mediocre coaches for the price of one. On a related note, are the Van Gundys really brothers? They look nothing alike. Let's see some birth certificates; I already fell for this trick with the White Stripes.
Amir: Yeah, I heard Jeff and Stan are actually brother and sister.
Ethan: Okay, let's get on to our random sports question of the week. This one comes from Mike O'Brien from last week's comments: What player do you love for no good reason?
Amir: Manute Bol. If anybody is a man, myth, and legend its Manute Bol. He may not have been good. And he may not have been short, but I've heard some stuff about Manute Bol that would fit into an old school Vin Diesel fact generator. (Did you know his paternal grandfather was 7 foot 10?)
Ethan: Didn't he kill a lion when he was like twelve? With a spear?
Amir: He was 15, but yes. He also played the Sixers, the Bullets, and the Warriors twice! Two stints with three different teams. He makes Grover Cleveland look like Grover Cleveland Alexander.
Ethan: I'm having a hard time picking one. Vince Coleman, Thunder Dan Majerle, and former Wake Forest big man Josh Shoemaker are all close to my heart. However, I'm taking Julian Tavarez. He's pitched for eight teams. He looks like Freddy Krueger's uglier little brother, but he once said he'd do porn if he hadn't made it in baseball. Plus, he's absolutely batshit insane. He'll throw at anyone, then yell at them. He yells as he falls off the mound. He's always screaming at someone. Go to a game he's pitching and sit near the plate; he screams after every pitch. Thus, he's my favorite baseball player of all time.
Amir: Makes sense.
Ethan: Okay, got an interesting fact?
Amir: Here's one about a major leaguer that's making headlines, have you heard of Alex Rodriguez?
Ethan: Vaguely. Shortstop for the Reds or something. Go on
Amir: When A-Rod turned thirty, he had more runs scored than Rickey Henderson, more hits than Pete Rose, and more homers and RBIs than Hank Aaron when they turned thirty. They hold the records in each of those categories.
Ethan: He's still an overrated, overpaid piece of trash. That's what we're saying about him this month, right? I can never keep track of it; he's either the greatest player or worst player ever.
Amir: Until next week, how about those Stanley Cup finals? Congratulations Ducks, the Cup is going back to where it deserves: ANAHEIM CALIFORNIA!