The Dormwich

1. Start with a rice cracker. Didn’t your mom buy these for you the day you moved in? Yes.

2. American cheese. It’s not a legit dormwich without a little patriotism. Come on. Support the troops. Plastic removal optional.

3. Slice of pizza. No explanation necessary.

4. Ball Park hotdogs. You bought them for your George Foreman grill before you lost your George Foreman grill playing poker. “I’ll bet you a George Foreman grill that I won’t die after eating these raw hot dogs!”

5. Chef Boyardee ravioli with meatballs. “I don’t remember it being this chunky.”

6. Hot pocket. Cooked or raw. That’s a personal decision.

7. A light coating of the Boots No.7 brand lip gloss you swiped from that girl who sits in front of you in econ. Come on, it is Plumberry flavored. And the double-ended wand makes application smooth and easy.

8. Jergens Cherry Almond lotion.Remember when you accidentally ate a little once during a tricky maneuver and you sort of liked that chilled, numb feeling it left on your tongue?

9. An only slightly used apple. Leave the residual ashes in place for a lingering, musty flavor.

10. The blueberry Pop-Tart that was a new flavor when you bought it. It doesn’t taste like blueberries, but it’s going in the dormwich.

11. Perfume tab from the February ’99 issue of Vanity Fair that always ends up in your desk drawer no matter how many times you move.

12. Apple Jacks. You don’t think their complete non-apple flavor will compliment the dormwich? Well, screw you. We eat what we like.

13. A can of beer. Put the entire can in. It’s probably the only chance you have of getting any vitamins all year. Zinc and whatnot. Chew slowly.

14. Ooh, Candycorn? Candycorn!

15. All those yellow Starburts than no one ever wants.

16. Edible underwear…you were curious.

17. A thin layer of Kraft EasyMac cheese powder. Somehow you always run out of noodles before running out of powder so put that extra packet to use. Too much powder, though, and it will fuse with the lotion and form a glue.

18. “Spring Awakening” dryer sheet to keep you feeling fluffy long after your digestive system has rejected certain dormwich ingredients.

19. Tums. They’ll add just the right amount of chalkiness to this delicious dish while helping to sooth the inevitable ingredient scuffle.

20. Ketchup, mustard, and mayo. You decided to earn your tuition back by stealing all of the condiments from the dining hall. So far you’ve made back about $6.14 and have nothing to show for it except a crap-load of little packets and some suspicious stains in your pockets.

21. Wad of drain hair accompanied by a pipe-flake and tile-mold garnish. By association, it’s probably the cleanest layer in this dormwich.

22. Cinnamon toothpaste. Bam!

23. Finally, to make this a to-go order, wrap the whole tremendous tribute to the marvels of edible possessions and determined imagination in your roommate’s pillowcase and go about your day.

Big Thanks to Will and Amir for helping out