5 TV Shows That Scarred Me for Life

The 90’s did a lot to help usher in this great generation of ours. It gave us the greatest Nickleodeon shows known to man and condensed all of our favorite cartoons into 3 hour segments specifically designed to give us weekend long migraines and mild ADHD.A few shows however, brutally humped my mind into a dark corner of confusion, low-self esteem and the occasional violent flashback.

1.Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood—A timeless classic, Mr. Rogers taught me all about cooperation, equality, various simple suburban survival skills, and how to change my shoes and sing at the same time.Incidentally, he also taught me that old, soft spoken white men are always safe to chill out with.Only after a very trusting childhood and a recent recollection of my past I realized this crafty old bastard primed me for the “candyman” down the street.

2.Are You Afraid of the Dark?—Kickass show no doubt, but I will never look at clown dolls the same again.

3.Power Rangers—Although it never really scarred me directly, it did lead me to believe that with a few well-crafted sound effects and over-suggestive ninja moves, my opponents would immediately suffer inexplicable explosions in their chests and fall before me.Take heed; do not try this after drinking, bad things happen.

4.My Little Pony Tails—The mere fact that I remember this show demonstrates the damage it left.Simply put, it gave me the perfect idea of what an angel dusted eight ball trip gone wrong would look like.Stretch that out to a full thirty minutes, surround me with jumping screaming little girls and put it right before Duck Tales.It’s a wonder I’m still alive.

5.Barney—Talking purple dinosaurs proclaiming peace, love and the right of a grown man to touch me so long as he wore the appropriate attire.I love you too you giant pre-historic homo.I wonder how many pedophiles applied for that show?

So for as many amazing shows and cartoons the 90’s blessed us with, it never failed to deliver a couple haymakers right my frontal lobe.Simply repressing the memories won’t do any good and I’ve given up on the hammer vs. temple technique.Anyone else out there who suffered through the same injustice I did should pick up the phone now and simultaneously call every major TV corporation and sing the new Barney song.“I love you, you hate me, let’s all smoke some PCP, with a great big bomb and a gat from me to you, my mind’s fucked because of you.”insert creepy Barney laugh