My Letter of Appeal

Following a profanity laced incident (which included chants of “Big fat juicy, juicy vagina” and a graphic segment entitled “Your worst sexual experience”) at Western New England College’s radio station, WNEK, which “could have” resulted in thousands of dollars in fines from the FCC. A suspension of the radio station began, and my removal from housing was swiftly instituted. I drafted two letters of appeal. The first I should have sent, the latter I actually did send.

Within a week of posting each letter on CollegeHumor I was summoned to the Assistant Dean of Students’ office, told to read the second letter aloud, and warned by the Ass. Dean that she “better not see anything written about this meeting or about me” on CollegeHumor or elsewhere. Well, here it is Maureen Keizer. Back and better than ever.


Dear Appeal Review Board,

This is my written appeal to the matter discussed earlier this week relative to the incident which took place on Wednesday, November 15, 2006 which caused my removal from campus housing.

I would first like to express my most sincere apologies and accept full responsibility for my participation in this inappropriate and unfortunate incident. Without question, it was a deplorable instance of bad judgment. I very conscious of the embarrassment this situation has caused the college, its students, and staff. I am also aware that being a student here is a privilege, and should be treated as such. As a third year student I should have exercised judgment congruent with that status.

As I have expressed before, I would be more than willing to volunteer my services to the college in any capacity. Despite my poor decision in this instant, I feel I could be a very positive and helpful presence on campus. It is my honest desire to atone for the trouble I’ve caused the school.

I truly appreciate this opportunity to appeal my removal from campus housing. Thank you for spending the time to review the initial ruling. Regardless of your final decision, I have learned a valuable lesson that will not be forgotten.

Sincerely,

William A. Gutekunst


and then…


November 29, 2006
Appeal Review Board
Western New England College
Springfield, MA 01119-2684

Dear Appeal Review Board,

This is my written appeal to the matter discussed earlier this week relative to the incident which took place on Wednesday, November 15, 2006 which caused my removal from campus housing. Well actually, it’s less of an appeal, and more of a letter to say thank you.

I would first like to express my most sincere gratitude to everyone involved in this decision. I truly appreciate all the opportunities you are affording me by giving my ass the boot. In addition to saving over $3000, I will now have a larger room, no roommate, 200 television channels, and the ability to impress freshmen girls with my off campus apartment. Most importantly, however, I will no longer be bound by the strictures of the school’s insanely asinine regulations enforced by your over zealous, under educated staff.

Additionally, I very conscious of the hilarity this situation has provided for the students at an otherwise mind numbingly mundane institution. As a third year student, I should have done this years ago, and for that I apologize. As I have expressed before, I would be more than willing to volunteer my services to the students by throwing parties at my new place. It is my honest desire to make this place suck a lot less, even as the Dean of Fun Control attempts to quell my rebellion.

As I have expressed before, I truly appreciate this opportunity to extend my partying into the community. With a larger residence outside the jurisdiction of these geriatric, cantankerous clodhoppers, I am now able to offer more unsatisfied students the opportunity to get drunk and bang fat girls.

Sincerely,

William “The Gute” Gutekunst