My Closing Statement

After the seizure and desecration of the school’s radio station, a banishment from all resident areas, and numerous party related violations I was caught operation a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol on campus. In dismissal or suspension situations, as this was, the defendant (me) has an opportunity to state their case, question witnesses, and present a closing statement before a review panel.

I am currently serving a one (1) semester suspension. This was my closing statement:

I am leaving school regardless of this hearing’s outcome. But, whatever you decide, whether in my favor or against, I am better for having spent three years at Western New England College. Not in the self righteous, academic, I’m-better-prepared-to-face-the-world type of way. Rather, in the I’ve partied my ass off, consumed way more alcohol than recommended by the surgeon general, and been with far more girls than I deserve type of way. If nothing else I’ve made friends that will last my lifetime, and have a few more stories to tell my kids.

There’s no doubt I’ll leave this school with a few people scratching their heads, and even more shaking theirs in disapproval. However, I take solace in knowing that in forty years no one will remember the classes they took or the people that sit before me today. They’ll remember bong rips and beer bongs, kegs and keg stands, waking up in unfamiliar places next to unfamiliar faces, puking, fighting, fornicating. They’ll remember house parties and being carried home, thirties of Busch and Keystone, that blonde freshman, bare breasts and bare-ly any self control. But most importantly, they’ll remember the characters they met and the wild nights that gave way to the sunrise; and I’d be willing to bet more than one of them will regale their children with a little Bill Gutekunst folk lore that will end with, “And that’s the craziest son of a bitch I’ve ever known.”

So with this another chapter of my life is concluded. It’s been inexorably more fun than it’s been productive.