The Namesake Of Murphy's Law Attempts To Perform Surgery For The First Time

Here you go, Murphy. The Big Show. 12 years of medical school have come to this. Sure, there have been mishaps in the past, but this man is counting on you to bring him home safely. It’s your time to shine, so slap on your gloves and get going. Shoot! Did I just get a paper cut from latex?? Forget it. Focus.

You’ve rehearsed this before. Make the primary incision. Not with your fingernail. Ask the nurse for a scalpel. What does she mean we’re out of scalpels? There’s a scalpel shortage? In a hospital? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Fine. Fine. Pull yourself together, dammit. Remember your training. You’ll just have to improvise. The nurse has a Swiss Army Knife. It’ll have to do. Eww, there’s bits of cheese on it. How am I supposed to work with this? No matter. Just visualize. New heart for Mr. Johnson. New heart for Mr. Johnson. New heart for——OK, who the hell is playing Andrew W.K. in the OR?? Seriously, this is ridiculous.

Find your happy place. I can finish. Wait, what is this? What are all these valves? You’re saying he has an irregularly shaped heart? You’ve gotta be kidding me. Is that even possible? F*ck. Well, I suppose we at least have an irregularly shaped heart to replace it with, right? We don’t? Why am I just finding out about this now? I swear to God, when this is all over, I will personally defecate in the mailbox of whoever is responsible for this.

So I have to make a heart with four valves fit inside someone who needs 12? It shouldn’t be that hard, you say? Oh I’m sure you’re right. No problem. Let me just take out my medical wizarding wand and sprinkle my magic valve-division-dust inside Mr. Johnson’s chest cavity. I can do this. I can do this.

Several hours pass. Murphy finally emerges. The operation was successful.

I can’t believe it! I’ve performed a miracle of modern science! My name will go down in history for this! A medical genius, they’ll say! Sure the day started off shaky, but nothing can rob me of this momen—-Wait a minute, according to his chart, Mr. Johansen needed the transplant. But didn’t we… didn’t we just operate on Mr. Johnson?

Silence

F*CK!