101 Uses for "Ol' Betsy"

If you’re anything like me, you stare down the 5’3” Scottish sword resting in the far corner of your room, contemplating all of the possible ways to cut down those who stand between you and your favorite lunchbox filled with post-halloween goodies.The sheer presence of such a weapon radiating disaster comforts you as you drift into sweet dreams of post apocalyptic chaos.But whatdo you do with such a frightful and awkward weapon while not fighting off ravenous zombies or crazed kindergarten teachers?If you find yourself bored to tears or horny yet irresponsive take to arms and try a few of the following healthy activities.

• Open the stubborn cans for dear old mom.This is a great swinging exercise and improves accuracy for those hard to hit targets.
• Mow the lawn.Spinning around in waist high grass will prepare you excellently for tight situations when windmilling becomes your only option.
• Chase unsuspecting hooligans through K-Mart.After a few of these you’ll be able to run down even the most experienced scooter driver. Rebel scum won’t know what hit them during the first few hours of urban assault.
• Expand your room a bit.You never liked that wall between you and the fridge anyway.
• Joust.Who the hell makes swords so big you can barely lift them?Besides your buddy Jim was going to need his spleen removed eventually, save him the money.
• Behead as many mailboxes as humanly possible.Congress will thank you after the first missile strike.
• Offer someone a free haircut.Word of warning:aim high.
• Address that nagging itch in the middle of your back.
• Impale your front door and hold a limbo contest.Great ice breaker for parties and incidentally an effective way to rid yourself of nosey neighbors.