A Briefcase: Oh, thanks Uncle Frank. You getting me this briefcase ensures that I’m supposed to work the same 9-5 office job that you've worked for that last 25 years while complaining about it and cheating on my wife with my secretary. (Sorry Aunt Jane)

“Planet Earth” on DVD: Am I that hard to shop for? How long did it take you to pick this out at Wal-Mart? Do you think that all I do is get high and watch the Discovery Channel? Well guess what, I DO! F*ck you for stereotyping.

“Planet Earth” on VHS: What the sh*t? There’s like 20 tapes. Get out of my sight Grandma.

Money: What am I supposed to do with this? It's only four dollars. I hate you, Uncle Rory.

Dick in a Box: Real original. Did your friend Justin Timberlake pick it out? Thanks Steve, you c*nt. What’s the matter? Too afraid to open the box? C’mon faggot!