Rise and Shine

Who invented mornings?

Someone had to do it. Proceeding on the assumption that the Flintstones didn’t actually exist (sorry kids), cavemen sure as hell didn’t use alarm clocks. So at some point during the glorious history of the human race there had to be someone, most likely the predominant “that guy” of his era, who invented mornings.

Now by mornings I don’t just mean the time of day preceding lunch (breakfast? what’s that?). I mean the insufferable hours spent aimlessly meandering through life, with either mind or body awake, but never both concurrently. Mornings are evil by definition. In fact, the words “morning” and “mourning” share a common Latin root. Seriously, look it up. Alright well not really, but you gotta admit something fishy is going on there. Or what about this little “coincidence”: the first part of morning is “morn”, which rhymes with “corn”. And you know how sometimes when you’re eating corn it gets stuck in your teeth and it takes forever to get out? Yeah, that really sucks.

Anyway…I want to find out who that one pretentious little prick was who first decided that waking up naturally was insufficient. What an overachieving douche. Had I been present at the time of this guy’s self righteous epiphany, I assuredly would have shat myself. Let’s take a hypothetical look back…
“You think we should do what?!? Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said you wanted us to wake up from the soothing dreams and restorative tranquility of sleep so we can get to work faster. Hah, what a joker. Wait…you’re serious.” [cue aforementioned self defecation]

Personally, I find nothing in this world short of death (which sucks, or so I’m told) more miserable than being woken up before naturally ready to do so. Plus, who doesn’t love just lying half conscious in bed for an hour, after waking up at the crack of noon, enveloped in the sweet caress of warm sheets? Heaven. On. Earth. There is nothing, and I oh so full-heartedly mean nothing in this world that would ever necessitate awakening earlier than I want to. There are no motivations save for self preservation, which would still be subject to case by case consideration, which would merit this godforsaken concept.

Here’s an idea. I’ll find this guy, or his last surviving relative if need be (you know, just in case) and I will be his alarm clock. Every time he goes to sleep, I will go off. And by “go off”, I mean punch him in the throat. Rise and shine, jackass.