The Inner Monologue Of An Unnamed 25-Year-Old As He Stands in H & M Trying to Decide Whether Or Not to Buy X-Men Briefs

Woah, these are great. And they’re buy one, get one free, too.

But do I really want to go back to briefs? I can’t remember the last time I wore them. Must’ve been elementary school. I probably had some just like these. What would it be like to switch back? Really uncomfortable, for one. Is it worth it?

It sure would be funny. I’d crack up every time I wear them. I wonder if women would find it as funny. Some probably would. But do I want to be with a girl who finds X-men undies funny? On the other hand, do I want to be with one who finds them lame? Am I really in a position to be that selective? And what if briefs make my penis look small? Is my penis small? Should I be looking for underwear that makes it look bigger? Will it looker bigger with Wolverine on it? Cooler?

No, this is stupid. This isn’t how I want to present myself. I’m trying to act classier, more mature.

So why am I still standing here considering them?

Maybe I’m so mature that I can wear X-men tighty whities and not be bothered by how people perceive this hysterical, ironic statement of mine.

But what if I’m so immature that I don’t realize I’m actually just having delusions of maturity? Do I need to grow up? Is this indicative of a lingering attachment to my childhood? Of a reluctance, or even inability, to become an adult?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

If I buy these, I’m telling the world that my apartment and job and apparent independence are all part of an elaborate facade, and deep down I’m really nothing more than a nine-year-old parading around holy shit, is that Gambit? They included Gambit? Do they have two pairs in my size?