Your Buddy List Deconstructed

As our buddy lists grow, it sometimes becomes difficult to make sense of it all and remember who’s who. Luckily, most instant messaging applications feature categories, making it even easier to pigeonhole and label everyone you know! Here’s a little guide to help you organize that mess you call a buddy list.

Your high school friends
This category consists of only two types of people: the ones you used to talk to and are embarrassed to admit that you did, and the ones you wish had talked to you and are bitter they didn’t. They still won’t. They never will. So give it up.

The elusive hot girl category
Let’s face it – MissButterflyKiss02938 has no idea that you have her screenname, and she never will, seeing as you’ll never message her. But doesn’t it just warm your cockles when her away message reads “Out with my amazing hot boyfriend”? She’s never accepting that facebook friend request either, so you’re doomed to a lifetime of wanking it while staring at her screenname instead of her facebook photos.

Your college friends
Quick, next time you meet somebody new, ask them for their screenname instead of their phone number. It’ll be much easier for them to get in touch with you that way, because, you know, cell phones are so inconvenient. Yet somehow, you’re the only one sending messages to them, and you never get an answer. But look on the bright side, if you have a lot of people on your buddy list, you’ll look super popular. And more screennames means more away messages to read! And we all know that when you’re spending quality time with your good friends loneliness and tears on a Friday night, away messages are infinitely more entertaining to read than a 10-digit number.

Your homework buddies
Potentially a subcategory of your college friends, these are people you’d never ordinarily talk to, but come homework due date t-minus 4 hours, they’re suddenly your best friend. Guess what buddy, they’re wising up to you. How can you tell? Here’s a hint: out of Isaac Newton’s many great achievements, inventing the Fig Newton isn’t one.

Your family members
These are people that actually message you on occasion, such as your mom. However, she takes approximately 5.7 minutes on average to type the word hello. Well, at least there’s a block feature on this thing. Phones don’t have that luxury.

The “what the f*ck” category
You have no idea who these people are. You have no idea how they ended up on your buddy list. But you sure as hell know why you keep them on there: away messages.