Staff Picks

Dean

Roll The Dice: Andrew Dice Clay's Weekly Advice Column

by Dean on



Q: My boyfriend recently went on anti-depressant medication and as a result can’t get an erection. What can we do in order to not lose our sex life?
-Taylor in Billings, MT

Andrew Dice Clay: Here’s what you do sweet cheeks: you tell your pathetic little boy toy to pull his tampon out and quit being such a homosexual. The only thing worse than a whiny prick who’s depressed is one that can’t SCREW. I tell you how you can not lose your sex life, why don’t you come on over here and let the Dice man put his cigarette out on ya tush.

Q: My wife and I just had a baby. It cries all night and as a result we haven’t slept in weeks. What can we do before we lose our sanity?
-Tom in Los Angeles, CA

Andrew Dice Clay: I got a lullabye for you that my Mother used to sing to me that will put that little soft headed bastard to sleep. It goes like this:

Golden slumber kiss your eyes
Smiles await you when you rise
Sleep pretty baby do not cry
Or I’ll get that abortion I told ya
filthy mother to get in the first place



Q: I’m thinking of asking my boss for a raise but I don’t know how to bring the question up to her. What’s the best way to ask for a raise?
-Jason in Syracuse, NY

Andrew Dice Clay: Whoa buddy, your boss is a broad? What happened to the days where the only jobs chicks were allowed to have involved them being on their knees? First you need to take your padded bra off and slap her in the face with your penis. Second, I would recommend gathering the last few performance reviews of yours. Build a strong case before you go in. Then you should research the salaries in the area for jobs that are similar to yours. But remember not to give an ultimatum. This will put your boss into a corner and cause them to be defensive.

Next week Andrew Dice Clay gives advice on what to do when you get bad hair cut.






See More Popular Articles
Like this Article
URL Close
Dean

Dean

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
Idiotech Technology fails See All »
Up +69 Down
A Christmas Larceny

I used to work for a chinese computer company that no longer exists; one Christmas Eve a man comes into the store right as we are closing and counting money and insists that we start up the Point of Sale system again and sell him the video card he reserved online. We tell him that the computers have been shut down and all the transactions of the day batched and sent to the... Read More » credit card vendor. He keeps telling us that it's already paid for etc. and we keep telling him we can't process any more transactions until the morning of Dec. 26th. He then takes out a revolver and makes us lay on the floor while he steals the cash drawers and takes off. Turns out he had in fact reserved the video card online and his full name, address and phone number were in the system along with his email address; i bet his New Year sucked.