"Roll The Dice: Andrew Dice Clay's Weekly Advice Column" by Dean

Q: My boyfriend recently went on anti-depressant medication and as a result can't get an erection. What can we do in order to not lose our sex life?
-Taylor in Billings, MT

Andrew Dice Clay: Here's what you do sweet cheeks: you tell your pathetic little boy toy to pull his tampon out and quit being such a homosexual. The only thing worse than a whiny prick who's depressed is one that can't SCREW. I tell you how you can not lose your sex life, why don't you come on over here and let the Dice man put his cigarette out on ya tush.

Q: My wife and I just had a baby. It cries all night and as a result we haven't slept in weeks. What can we do before we lose our sanity?
-Tom in Los Angeles, CA

Andrew Dice Clay: I got a lullabye for you that my Mother used to sing to me that will put that little soft headed bastard to sleep. It goes like this:

Golden slumber kiss your eyes
Smiles await you when you rise
Sleep pretty baby do not cry
Or I'll get that abortion I told ya
filthy mother to get in the first place

Q: I'm thinking of asking my boss for a raise but I don't know how to bring the question up to her. What's the best way to ask for a raise?

-Jason in Syracuse, NY

Andrew Dice Clay: Whoa buddy, your boss is a broad? What happened to the days where the only jobs chicks were allowed to have involved them being on their knees? First you need to take your padded bra off and slap her in the face with your penis. Second, I would recommend gathering the last few performance reviews of yours. Build a strong case before you go in. Then you should research the salaries in the area for jobs that are similar to yours. But remember not to give an ultimatum. This will put your boss into a corner and cause them to be defensive.

Next week Andrew Dice Clay gives advice on what to do when you get bad hair cut.

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