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Things I would do if I got to spend the day at the CollegeHumor main office

- buy Streeter a beer or twelve. Then when he’s drunk, convince him to shave.

- dance a jig with Jeff Rubin.

- when encountering somebody filming something for vimeo, run across the screen screaming “FREE PARIS”, thereby ruining the shot.

- hug the person that made my update into the insult generator

- run up to Jake Hurwitz, rip my clothes off, throw myself on his desk and yell “Take me, I’m yours!!!”

- play ping pong with Amir. Then laugh at him when I beat him.

- put on every BustedTee I can find. Then walk around communicating using solely what’s printed on them.

- find Sarah Schneider and make sure she’s not dead.

- buy a Christmas elf costume for Dan Gurewitch. Complete with bells on the pointy shoes.

- regret the fact that I chose to become an engineer, thereby dooming myself to a lifetime of boring workplaces.

- try to not come across as completely creepy.

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A Christmas Larceny

I used to work for a chinese computer company that no longer exists; one Christmas Eve a man comes into the store right as we are closing and counting money and insists that we start up the Point of Sale system again and sell him the video card he reserved online. We tell him that the computers have been shut down and all the transactions of the day batched and sent to the... Read More » credit card vendor. He keeps telling us that it's already paid for etc. and we keep telling him we can't process any more transactions until the morning of Dec. 26th. He then takes out a revolver and makes us lay on the floor while he steals the cash drawers and takes off. Turns out he had in fact reserved the video card online and his full name, address and phone number were in the system along with his email address; i bet his New Year sucked.