The Thought Process of an English Professor as She Assigns Final Semester Grades

All right Eileen, it’s already June, kids are probably begging for their grades, so lets stop cutting coupons and start handing out some grades! Ooo, 60% off haircuts at “Discount Hut.”

Okay. Stop. Focus.

Now. 15% of their grade is “Participation.” Um. Okay. Hmmm… not really sure what that means.

Takes out calculator so old it prints out the answers on a roll of receipt paper.

I guess Sarah raised her hand a lot, does that mean she gets a 15? Or a 100? I’ll just give her a 115 and figure it out later. My head hurts. I need a break.

Three days later, Eileen sits back down with an ugly haircut.

Okay. Let’s see here. “25% of the grade will be your first essay.” Sheesh. That’s one of those things that make so much sense on the syllabus, and now, I just have no idea what to do. I don’t even give grades! Man, the students love it so much when I announce that… it’s the closest thing I’ll ever feel to winning an award.

All right, I can figure this out. I’m not a complete idiot. I learned my times tables.

Lets see, Colin Abernathy got a “Very good.” But what’s 25% of that? Like a.. 60 I guess? I’ll give him a 60 and figure it out later. What is that, like a D?

What’s a curve? Every other teacher always talks about grading on a curve? Is that like a math word?

Dang. Okay, keep going Eileen, you’ll figure something out. You always do!

Eileen scoops out one last spoonful of black beans from the can she is eating

The next 30% is their poetry portfolio… Haha wow. I am so lost.

I didn’t even comment on those, I just sorta used a sticker system. What’s 30% of a Smiley? What does 30% even mean? If I were good at Algebra I wouldn’t be a writing teacher. I guess I can give better grades to those students who rhymed?

Okay, next 10% was that oral test/pizza party. My students loved me so hard that day…

Um, the last 20% are these weekly journals I asked the kids to give me in lieu of a final. They were really jazzed about that. No finals means I’m their fave professor.

The journals were all pretty “whatever” though. I guess they get a 50? 55? All right, time to crunch some numbers!

Actually, you know what? I’ll just give the girls A-‘s and the boys B+‘s. There. Done until September.

Now who wants a pop tart!?