Dr. Doom

DR. DOOM: —Mr. Fantastic! You have received my demand for world domination. Are you prepared to call me master? Or shall I be forced to activate the Omega Turbine and cause further destruction to your beloved planet?

MR. FANTASTIC (on an enormous video monitor): You’re a madman, von Doom. A complete and utter madman! But… we accept your terms.

DR. DOOM: Insipid fool! Then your death await— Wha…? I am sorry, what did you say?

MR. FANTASTIC: You win, Dr. Doom. I’ve received unconditional surrenders from every sovereign nation on Earth. Congratulations, oh Exalted One!

DR. DOOM: Really? Wow. (Laughs nervously.) This is, um… it is just so unexpected. Unless— Of course! This is some clever rouse to buy time while you formulate a plan to stop me! A noble effort, but you are only delaying the inevitable!

MR. FANTASTIC: No, you’re Omnipotence. In fact, the militaries of the world are being flown to your Terror Zeppelin as we speak. They’re part of you Extermination Force now. Obviously, the soldiers will require food and lodging.

DR. DOOM: Oh, I see. (Feigning confidence.) Yes, of course. Then I… I have done it… Victory is mine. This is totally what I wanted.

MR. FANTASTIC: I’ve also taken the liberty of delivering you a list of the agricultural and socio-economic statistics of the Northern Hemisphere.

DR. DOOM: What?

MR. FANTASTIC: Yes, I thought it might be too much to send you all the world economies on your first day, Lord Doom. After all, you are only human—and ten percent demon, of course! (Laughs.)

DR. DOOM: Right.

MR. FANTASTIC: The most pressing issues, as you probably know, are the summer harvests in East Asia, which are imperative in maintaining the migratory patterns of most winged… Well, it’s all in volume 28, my Lord. In the meantime, have you any decrees to make?

DR. DOOM: Um… Well yes, actually. (Reads from crumpled napkin.) I… um… I demand a 1500-foot golden statue of me, Victor von Doom, be built. In this statue I shall be riding a scorpion. And holding one of those two-necked guitars used by James Page of Led Zepplin.

MR. FANTASTIC: I’m sorry, Lord Jaguar, but weren’t all Earth’s precious metals irradiated by your Omega Turbine?

DR. DOOM: Oh, right. Well, I guess it could be carved out of stone.

MR. FANTASTIC: Wow! So then you’ve discovered a way of returning the world’s skilled laborers from the Phantom Zone?

DR. DOOM: Curses! This meeting is over! A television program shall help me relax.

Doom turns on the TV. Every channel is static.

DR. DOOM: What is wrong with this device?

MR. FANTASTIC: I guess you’re still using all those stolen satellites for your death ray, huh?

DR. DOOM: Yes.

The electricity goes out.

DR. DOOM: (Pause.) I did not think this through.