You: Alright, first here we have my Parents Wedding Video. This was an…

“First” Asshole: FIRST!

You: What?

“First” Asshole: First, I was the first to say something.

You: Umm…right, anyway…..my parents married in 1980 and…

“Fake” Asshole: This scene was SOOO edited. Look, that guy isn’t even touching ground. I bet you your parents aren’t even married. LOL.

You: What guy? The Jesus on the crucifix?

“Fake” Asshole: Yeah, and all the guys are wearing bowties. Bowties weren’t invented until 1987.

You: You’re kidding, right?

“Abusive” Asshole: SHUT UP YOU CUM SUCKER! I WILL FUCK YOUR MOM AND YOUR GRANDMA!

You: My Grandma just died, you prick.

“Abusive” Asshole: THEN I’LL FUCK YOU!

You: Can you just watch the video?

A few moments go by

“Lame” Asshole: This is the worst video I have ever seen in my life. That was a waste of 3 minutes. LAME!

You: Then leave.

“Lame” Asshole: I will.

”Lame” Asshole sits in chair and doesn’t move

“First” Asshole: I was first still.

“Abusive” Asshole: I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND TAKE A SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT!

“Ad” Asshole: Hey there! Would you like new ring tones for your cellphone? Only 99 cents for your first purchase!

“Lame” Asshole: LAME! I can get ringtones for free online.

“Abusive” Asshole: I CAN GET YOUR ASSHOLE FOR FREE ONLINE!

“Lame” Asshole: What does that even mean?

“Abusive” Asshole: IT MEANS YOUR GAY!

You: Is anybody even watching?

“Fake” Asshole: Fake! If your Grandma’s dead, then how can she be in the video? I’m so smart.

You: Let’s try another video

Another Video is put in

You: This is me and my brother building a fort in the snow when we were younger.

First” Asshole: First! See, me, I was first.

“Abusive” Asshole: I HOPE YOU GET CANCER!

“Ad” Asshole: Do you want to save on your car nsurance? Then switch to Geico, where you can save up to 15% on your car insurance!

You: What the hell are you doing here?

“Ad” Asshole: Helping you save big on car insurance!

“Lame” Asshole: This is so Lame! I’ve built snow forts twenty times that high.

You: I was 9.

“Abusive” Asshole: I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A RUSTY WRENCH!

“Fake” Asshole: Fake! How can there be snow in the video if it’s 72 degrees out.

You: It was freezing back then.

“Fake” Asshole: My thermometer says it’s, like, 72 outside.

“First” Asshole: I’m still first you guys. Remember, none of you were first.

“Lame” Asshole: I’d rather have my teeth drilled than watch another second of this stupid video.

“Abusive” Asshole: I’M GOING TO GO HANNIBAL ON YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’LL CUM IN YOUR NOSTRALS!

You: Dude, what the fuck is your problem?

The Anger in "Abusive" Abusive Asshole's face subsides. A tear emerges

“Abusive” Asshole: I was never hugged as a child.

Room goes silent

“First” Asshole: Me neither

“Lame” Asshole: Same.

“Fake” Asshole: My Dad sodomized me with a remote once.

Room goes silent

You: Wow, that’s rough….

Silence

“Ad” Asshole: Would you like to know your credit report? Go now to…..

“Abusive” Asshole; AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

”Abusive” Asshole jumps at “Ad” Asshole and rips his head off

You: Jesus!!

“First” Asshole: Damnit! I’m supposed to be first!

”Abusive” asshole jumps at “First” asshole and proceeds to beat him with “Ad” assholes bloody head. He then proceeds to rape him to death.

“Fake” Asshole: Fake! That isn’t real blood.

You: What the hell is the matter with you, he’s skull fucking a body ten feet in front of you!

“Fake” Asshole: CGI can do a lot of stuff now in days.

”Abusive” Asshole pulls off “First” asshole’s arm and beats “Fake” asshole with it.

“Lame” Asshole: Boring! I’ve seen better fights.

”Abusive” Asshole punches a hole in “Lame” Asshole’s chest

You: I’m calling the Cops!

“Abusive” Asshole: I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED!!

Abusive asshole pulls out a knife and stabs himself. He falls to the ground. All is still. In the background, a snow fort has just been built.