You: Alright, first here we have my Parents Wedding Video. This was an…
“First” Asshole: FIRST!
“First” Asshole: First, I was the first to say something.
You: Umm…right, anyway…..my parents married in 1980 and…
“Fake” Asshole: This scene was SOOO edited. Look, that guy isn’t even touching ground. I bet you your parents aren’t even married. LOL.
You: What guy? The Jesus on the crucifix?
“Fake” Asshole: Yeah, and all the guys are wearing bowties. Bowties weren’t invented until 1987.
You: You’re kidding, right?
“Abusive” Asshole: SHUT UP YOU CUM SUCKER! I WILL FUCK YOUR MOM AND YOUR GRANDMA!
You: My Grandma just died, you prick.
“Abusive” Asshole: THEN I’LL FUCK YOU!
You: Can you just watch the video?
A few moments go by
“Lame” Asshole: This is the worst video I have ever seen in my life. That was a waste of 3 minutes. LAME!
You: Then leave.
“Lame” Asshole: I will.
”Lame” Asshole sits in chair and doesn’t move
“First” Asshole: I was first still.
“Abusive” Asshole: I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND TAKE A SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT!
“Ad” Asshole: Hey there! Would you like new ring tones for your cellphone? Only 99 cents for your first purchase!
“Lame” Asshole: LAME! I can get ringtones for free online.
“Abusive” Asshole: I CAN GET YOUR ASSHOLE FOR FREE ONLINE!
“Lame” Asshole: What does that even mean?
“Abusive” Asshole: IT MEANS YOUR GAY!
You: Is anybody even watching?
“Fake” Asshole: Fake! If your Grandma’s dead, then how can she be in the video? I’m so smart.
You: Let’s try another video
Another Video is put in
You: This is me and my brother building a fort in the snow when we were younger.
First” Asshole: First! See, me, I was first.
“Abusive” Asshole: I HOPE YOU GET CANCER!
“Ad” Asshole: Do you want to save on your car nsurance? Then switch to Geico, where you can save up to 15% on your car insurance!
You: What the hell are you doing here?
“Ad” Asshole: Helping you save big on car insurance!
“Lame” Asshole: This is so Lame! I’ve built snow forts twenty times that high.
You: I was 9.
“Abusive” Asshole: I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A RUSTY WRENCH!
“Fake” Asshole: Fake! How can there be snow in the video if it’s 72 degrees out.
You: It was freezing back then.
“Fake” Asshole: My thermometer says it’s, like, 72 outside.
“First” Asshole: I’m still first you guys. Remember, none of you were first.
“Lame” Asshole: I’d rather have my teeth drilled than watch another second of this stupid video.
“Abusive” Asshole: I’M GOING TO GO HANNIBAL ON YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’LL CUM IN YOUR NOSTRALS!
You: Dude, what the fuck is your problem?
The Anger in "Abusive" Abusive Asshole's face subsides. A tear emerges
“Abusive” Asshole: I was never hugged as a child.
Room goes silent
“First” Asshole: Me neither
“Lame” Asshole: Same.
“Fake” Asshole: My Dad sodomized me with a remote once.
Room goes silent
You: Wow, that’s rough….
“Ad” Asshole: Would you like to know your credit report? Go now to…..
“Abusive” Asshole; AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
”Abusive” Asshole jumps at “Ad” Asshole and rips his head off
“First” Asshole: Damnit! I’m supposed to be first!
”Abusive” asshole jumps at “First” asshole and proceeds to beat him with “Ad” assholes bloody head. He then proceeds to rape him to death.
“Fake” Asshole: Fake! That isn’t real blood.
You: What the hell is the matter with you, he’s skull fucking a body ten feet in front of you!
“Fake” Asshole: CGI can do a lot of stuff now in days.
”Abusive” Asshole pulls off “First” asshole’s arm and beats “Fake” asshole with it.
“Lame” Asshole: Boring! I’ve seen better fights.
”Abusive” Asshole punches a hole in “Lame” Asshole’s chest
You: I’m calling the Cops!
“Abusive” Asshole: I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED!!
Abusive asshole pulls out a knife and stabs himself. He falls to the ground. All is still. In the background, a snow fort has just been built.