Some guys are extremely adept at picking up women. It’s a fact, like Pink Floyd’s brilliance or Cher’s penis (come on, you know that’s true).
We see these guys at the bar all the time so we know they’re out there, but they’re not all picking up the same amount, now are they? So if we have ways to measure trivial things such as atomic mass and, I don’t know, blood alcohol level, I think it is about time somebody developed a system to measure just how proficient one is at picking up.
And don’t give me that shit about “But D.J., tonight I just wanted to have a good time and get hammered with the boys! I didn’t wanna pick up! This can’t go against my APNO, can it?” Sorry, Franky Smallpenis, it can. And it does.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the APNO average. For the unitiated (and that would be all of you presently), this acronym stands for Ass Per Night Out.
It is calculated very similar to a baseball average. Every night you go out to the bar or a party (or any social gathering after which penises have the opportunity to be in vaginas), this is considered an “at-bat”, so to speak. If you don’t pick up, you have gone 0 for 1. Your average is .000. If you do pick up, congratulations, you’ve got yourself a 1.000 APNO average.
Here are the prototypes, sticking with the baseball analogy (And if you don’t know baseball, don’t worry. I mention breasts and vaginas enough that everyone can enjoy it!):
On to the prototypes!
The Ken Griffey Jr: Let’s face it. The man is really, really good looking and he just exudes confidence. You’re a heterosexual male, and you even bought him a drink, you sly devil. He is capable of hitting a home run (picking up a hot girl) at will. Like any good teammate, his skill even allows his friends around him to bat for a higher APNO average. He puts up hall of fame numbers with the girls that you wish you could get, but you can’t even be mad at him for it. He was born with a gift, and you can’t blame him for using it. Besides, he only has a small window to fully utilize his gift before injuries and age derail his career. In case you’re wondering, the metaphors for injuries and age in dating are love and marriage. They’ll get you every time.
The Tony Gwynn: He isn’t even that good looking. Maybe he is kinda fat, perhaps he’s got the British teeth going on, this guy could even be balding, for chrissake. No matter. This guy gets crazy boy band ass. He’s got a way with the ladies, and at the end of the night, when stats are being compiled, he’s always among the league-leaders. Here’s the caveat: in baseball, Tony Gwynn could spray the baseball to all parts of the field. His average was comprised mainly of singles, which are the least glamorous of the hits (ugly girls). In fact many of these were bloop singles that had no business dropping in (astonishingly ugly girls). So what do you do? Do you commend the man for bringing home girls at such a high clip, or do you chastise him for bringing home ugly girls, with the odd accidental home run? It depends on what you value in a pick-up I guess. Whatever your opinion is, the point is that Tony doesn’t give a fuck what you think.
My dream is for the APNO stat to catch on and be used worldwide. I want to walk by a guy in a bar and overhear him telling his friend, “Man that guy has the highest APNO I’ve seen in awhile, but he isdefinitely spraying to all parts of the field.”
The Barry Bonds: The man is a dick. There’s no question about it. He was similar to Ken Griffey Jr., picking up girls at an astonishing rate. Everybody recognized his dominance. But the big fucking idiot didn’t think people respected his abilities enough. He suffered some sort of inferiority complex in the presence of other Griffeys at the bar. So what did he do? He went out and bought a Corvette and, though it is only rumour at this point, got a penis enlargement as well. Now the guy is taking home girls like it’s his job. If he gets less than 2 in a night, he washes and waxes his Corvette – twice – immediately upon waking up the next day. Unlike the Griffeys of the world, we cannot respect the Bonds’. They’re greedy and arrogant, and they’re tarnishing the bar scene. The regular guys don’t stand a chance.
The Julio Franco The 35 year old guy walking around the bar. There’s not much more to say. He creeps the fuck out of me.
The Jason Varitek – His numbers might not speak volumes about his abilities, but the Variteks of the world are the greatest wingmen to have at the bar. They want everyone in the group to have a good time and experience success, and they will lead the team to victory. So basically, they will get fucking hammered with you so that you have your extra thick beer goggles on.
It’s the dirtiest acronym since STD, and it’s been a long time coming.
The APNO average does not apply to women picking up men. If you have a vagina, you’re getting a guy.
Til’ next time!