Let’s get into the fine men who manage to keep their APNO hovering at an absurdly high rate. They are not all Brad Pitt look-alikes. They come in various shapes and sizes, with a stunning array of STD’s too!

Here are the prototypes, sticking with the baseball analogy (And if you don’t know baseball, don’t worry. I mention breasts and vaginas enough that everyone can enjoy it!):

(Except maybe male soccer fans, due to their distaste for baseball and vaginas.)



The Ken Griffey Jr: Let’s face it. The man is really, really good looking and he just exudes confidence. You’re a heterosexual male, and you even bought him a drink, you sly devil. He is capable of hitting a home run (picking up a hot girl) at will. Like any good teammate, his skill even allows his friends around him to bat for a higher APNO average. He puts up hall of fame numbers with the girls that you wish you could get, but you can’t even be mad at him for it. He was born with a gift, and you can’t blame him for using it. Besides, he only has a small window to fully utilize his gift before injuries and age derail his career. In case you’re wondering, the metaphors for injuries and age in dating are love and marriage. They’ll get you every time.

The Tony Gwynn: He isn’t even that good looking. Maybe he is kinda fat, perhaps he’s got the British teeth going on, this guy could even be balding, for chrissake. No matter. This guy gets crazy boy band ass. He’s got a way with the ladies, and at the end of the night, when stats are being compiled, he’s always among the league-leaders. Here’s the caveat: in baseball, Tony Gwynn could spray the baseball to all parts of the field. His average was comprised mainly of singles, which are the least glamorous of the hits (ugly girls). In fact many of these were bloop singles that had no business dropping in (astonishingly ugly girls). So what do you do? Do you commend the man for bringing home girls at such a high clip, or do you chastise him for bringing home ugly girls, with the odd accidental home run? It depends on what you value in a pick-up I guess. Whatever your opinion is, the point is that Tony doesn’t give a fuck what you think.

The Barry Bonds: The man is a dick. There’s no question about it. He was similar to Ken Griffey Jr., picking up girls at an astonishing rate. Everybody recognized his dominance. But the big fucking idiot didn’t think people respected his abilities enough. He suffered some sort of inferiority complex in the presence of other Griffeys at the bar. So what did he do? He went out and bought a Corvette and, though it is only rumour at this point, got a penis enlargement as well. Now the guy is taking home girls like it’s his job. If he gets less than 2 in a night, he washes and waxes his Corvette – twice – immediately upon waking up the next day. Unlike the Griffeys of the world, we cannot respect the Bonds’. They’re greedy and arrogant, and they’re tarnishing the bar scene. The regular guys don’t stand a chance.

The Julio Franco – The 35 year old guy walking around the bar. There’s not much more to say. He creeps the fuck out of me.

The Jason Varitek – His numbers might not speak volumes about his abilities, but the Variteks of the world are the greatest wingmen to have at the bar. They want everyone in the group to have a good time and experience success, and they will lead the team to victory. So basically, they will get fucking hammered with you so that you have your extra thick beer goggles on.

My dream is for the APNO stat to catch on and be used worldwide. I want to walk by a guy in a bar and overhear him telling his friend, “Man that guy has the highest APNO I’ve seen in awhile, but he isdefinitely spraying to all parts of the field.”