When I take a lovely lady out on a date, I don’t intend to spend a lot of money. In fact, spending no money at all is the ultimate goal, and it is quite easy to do.

There a lot of folks out there who will tell you that you shouldn’t be cheap on a date, or at the very least, you should attempt to hide your frugality. I disagree with this. I’m living on a student budget. If my date doesn’t understand this, she’s not the type of girl I want to date anyway. She’s probably looking for a guy with “class” who is “going somewhere” who “doesn’t have a body odor problem”. Who wants a girl like that? Allow me to break down the perfect cheap date.

First off, how about you and the apple of your eye go out for a nice dinner? Whatever she wants she can have; that’s just how you roll. She gets the Angel Hair Primavera, you get the Penne Pollo. Enjoy the free garlic bread with your meals, and don’t worry about purchasing appetizers. Have some (free) water with your meal, and hope to God she follows your lead.

When she goes to the bathroom – and she will go to the bathroom – you execute. Rip out a couple of hairs (from your head is easiest) and add a new topping to her meal. When she gets back, she will be disgusted that she was eating a meal that had hair in it. At this point, you call over the waiter. Feign outrage.

“We ordered Angel Hair Primavera, not the Dirty Fucking Chef Hair Primavera! What kind of an operation are you running here?”

Enjoy your free meal.

After this fabulous start, who’s up for a little partying? Let her double on the handlebars of your bicycle (make sure you let her know how awesome your suspension is – girls love that shit) and head over to the nearest keg party.

When you arrive, there is sure to be a $10 entrance fee. Would you look at that! You only have a debit card, and no cash. Perhaps your sweetheart wouldn’t mind spotting you the $10? Alright, now make sure you drink a lot of beer at this party. Your date paid twenty dollars for this, and you want to make sure she is getting bang for her buck.

When you’ve had enough and/or the kegs have run dry, do what everyone does after a great party: go home and make out! Now she may suggest going to grab some late night Mickey D'sor maybe going tothe local watering holefor a little pool.After(gently) slapping her for using the term 'watering hole',immediately shut down these suggestions. Anything she wants to do at this point is going to cost money. Making out is free.

Once you’re home, it’s smooth sailing from there. The only (welcome) change of plans may come if the making out escalates into fornication. In this event, just make sure that she has purchased the prophylactics, you classy man.

You’ve now had the perfect date without spending a cent. Watch out for my article next week on how to guarantee you will not have a second date with a woman. Coincidentally, it is essentially the same article as this one.